Handling Tricky Toddler Behavior: From Separation Anxiety to “Preferred Parent” Demands

Handling Tricky Toddler Behavior: From Separation Anxiety to “Preferred Parent”

Parenting toddlers can feel like navigating a whirlwind of emotions, impulses, and ever-changing stages of tricky behavior. 

What can seem like our child is “acting up” or “misbehaving” is often just developmentally normal toddler behavior. 

But how do we know what’s typical? How do we navigate tricky toddler behavior in the moment? How do we let go of power struggles and enjoy the toddler stage? We’re often taught about physical milestones, but left to figure out the emotional and behavioral ones on our own. 

When we can understand where our child’s behavior is coming from, and what expectations are reasonable, it becomes much easier to accept and navigate the toddler stage. 

This week on The Momwell Podcast, I’m joined by pediatrician and author Dr. Tobin, founder of Healthiest Baby. Dr. Tobin previously joined us to discuss myths about toddler behavior. Today, we discuss tricky toddler situations and how to navigate areas like separation anxiety, one “preferred parent,” and impulsivity. 

The Importance of Realistic Expectations About Toddler Behavior

One of the most common pitfalls parents face is expecting too much from their toddlers. We might think they “should” be able to sit still, control their impulses, or not get into things—but these behaviors are all normal for children this age. 

Dr. Tobin pointed out that many of us unknowingly treat toddlers like “mini adults,” forgetting that they’re really just big babies. When our babies start walking and talking, their newfound independence can trick us into thinking they’re more capable than they really are.

We often treat toddlers like “mini adults,” forgetting that they’re really just big babies. 

Toddlers have limited impulse control, emotional regulation, and logical thinking—skills that develop slowly over time. 

Dr. Cathyrn shared that research shows that parents overestimate their young children’s abilities in areas like sharing, patience, and managing big feelings, thinking they are capable of skills they simply haven’t developed. Our expectations can leave us frustrated with age-appropriate behavior, like tantrums or refusing to share. 

One of of the best ways to navigate tricky toddler behavior is reframing our expectations. That doesn’t mean that we don’t set boundaries or teach our children—they do need to learn these skills over time. But Dr. Tobin said that we should be teaching, not punishing. 

Understanding what our toddlers are truly capable of can help us shift our perspective and look at them in a different way. This lets us show up with more empathy and awareness, responding without unreasonable expectations. 

Typical Toddler Behavior Milestones by Age

Our pediatricians often walk us through physical milestones, emphasizing when we should expect rolling over, walking, and talking. But there are also emotional and behavior milestones. 

Understanding these milestones by age can help us reframe our expectations and see that many toddler behaviors we think of as “problems” are actually typical and expected. 

• At 1 year old, toddlers are just beginning to discover their independence. Impulse control is practically nonexistent, so they might grab items or climb on furniture without hesitation. Sharing isn’t on their radar yet, and they’re starting to explore their emotions.
• By age 2, big feelings come into play. Two-year-olds wear their emotions on their sleeves, and tantrums are a normal part of their development as they learn to handle frustration. They’re also beginning to assert their independence, often testing boundaries to understand what’s allowed.
• At age 3, toddlers often show curiosity, increased communication skills, and a budding sense of humor. Social milestones like taking turns and cooperative play start to emerge, but they’re still learning these skills and need patience and guidance. Potty training might also come into the picture around this time, depending on their readiness.

Toddler behavior is often part of exploring and understanding the world. 

Dr. Tobin said that milestones like impulse control and emotional regulation take time—and toddler behavior is often part of exploring and understanding the world. 

For example, a two-year-old who grabs a toy out of someone’s hand isn’t being “bad.” They simply don’t understand delaying gratification—and they’re curious about what’s being played with. 

We can respond with empathy and warmth, teaching our toddlers over time, rather than scolding and punishing for normal behavior. 

How Playfulness Can Help Navigate Tricky Toddler Behavior

It can feel so frustrating when we encounter tricky toddler behavior—especially when we need our children to comply for a transition or to get out the door. Toddlers are exerting their independence—and they often resist following directions or complying. 

But we can change our approach, defusing challenging moments with humor and lightheartedness. Dr. Tobin said that playfulness is one of the most underutilized tools in parenting. 

Playfulness works because it meets toddlers in their world. 

For example, instead of demanding a toddler clean up their toys, you might say, “Let’s see if we can clean up faster than a superhero!” Or you might waddling like penguins to the car if you need to leave. 

Playfulness works because it meets toddlers in their world. This approach makes cooperation feel fun rather than forced.

We might resist engaging in playfulness because we think our children need to learn to follow directions. But playfulness isn’t about ignoring boundaries—it’s about finding creative ways to uphold them. Involving toddlers in “pretend” or “silly” scenarios can help them navigate big transitions. For instance, turning “brush your teeth” into a game of pretending to brush a lion’s teeth can make the task more engaging and less of a battle.

When you share playful moments, your toddler feels safe and understood, making them more likely to cooperate in the future. It’s a win-win—you reduce resistance, and they learn essential skills in a supportive environment.

How to Handle Demands for the “Preferred Parent”

It’s common for toddlers to develop a “preferred parent,” causing an ongoing dilemma full of power struggles. They might demand that one parent be the one to do everything—bath time, bed time, even opening their snack. 

This dynamic can cause a lot of tension—and it isn’t easy for either the preferred parent or the one being rejected. The preferred parent might feel overwhelmed with all the labor, while the other might feel hurt. 

Dr. Tobin pointed out that these preferences are usually fleeting, but how we respond can shape the dynamic.

In short-term situations, it’s okay to accommodate the preference occasionally. For example, if a toddler wants Dad to make their favorite snack, honoring the request can be a moment of connection.

However, in longer-term cases, it’s important to gradually intervene. Parents might work together during activities, with the preferred parent stepping out briefly and slowly increasing the non-preferred parent’s involvement. 

Dr. Tobin suggested acknowledging your child’s feelings while gently redirecting them with simple boundaries. For example, you might say, “I know you love when I tuck you in, but tonight Daddy is going to do it. I’ll come say goodnight after.” This approach validates our toddler’s emotions while reinforcing that both parents are equally capable caregivers.

For the non-preferred parent, Dr. Tobin recommends using playful strategies to build connection. Spending special one-on-one time—even just five minutes—can help create positive associations. 

There is no hard-and-fast rule or rigid approach for navigating any toddler behavior. 

Dr. Tobin pointed out that there is no hard-and-fast rule or rigid approach for navigating the preferred parent dilemma—or for any toddler behavior. We might pick and choose where to set boundaries or when to be flexible. What matters most is supporting each other as co-parents and showing your child that both parents are safe, loving, and reliable.

Understanding and Easing Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is another common challenging toddler behavior. It’s typical for children to experience big feelings around separation in this stage. This can leave us with a lot of guilt and doubt. 

Dr. Tobin pointed out that separation anxiety is developmentally normal—and typically temporary. But we can help set ourselves and our children up for less difficult transitions. Preparation and consistence can make goodbyes go smoother.  

Start by preparing your toddler for the separation. Even if it’s part of your regular routine, give them a brief heads-up about what to expect. For example, “We’re going to daycare. I’ll say goodbye at the door, and then you’ll have fun with your friends.” Acknowledging their emotions can also help: “It’s okay to feel sad when Mommy leaves. I’ll be back to pick you up after lunch.”

Dr. Tobin recommended keeping goodbyes short and sweet. It can be tempting to linger or “sneak out” when they’re distracted. But this can actually increase anxiety. Instead, offer a quick hug, reassure them you’ll return, and leave confidently. 

We might have to check in with ourselves on our own anxiety and work to stay calm—our children can respond to our worries and stress. 

If separation anxiety persists, Dr. Tobin suggested involving your child in finding solutions. Sometimes, a small change—like having a sibling walk them into class—can make a big difference. 

Practicing Self-Compassion When Dealing With Tricky Toddler Behavior

It’s important to maintain realistic expectations for our toddlers—but it’s equally important to have realistic expectations for ourselves. 

We might feel triggered by whining or tantrums, frustrated by bedtime struggles at the end of a long day, or flustered when we’re running late and our toddler is uncooperative. It’s understandable that we might sometimes lose our patience or get frustrated. 

It’s understandable that we might sometimes lose our patience or get frustrated. 

Maintaining self-compassion and giving ourselves the same understanding we give to our children is important. We’re going to have moments of mistakes or human behavior—and the way we treat ourselves models for our children how to handle their own mistakes. 

Remember that toddler behavior is an unpredictable wild ride. We might need breaks or opportunities to breathe and calm down in tricky situations. But reminding ourselves of what’s to be expected can help us face situations with a different mindset, and hopefully set ourselves and our toddlers up for less power struggles and more skill-building in the process.