We Are In-Network With Insurance Providers in CA, PA & NY!
BOOK HERE FOR AN INSURANCE CHECK
We Are In-Network With Insurance Providers in CA, PA & NY!
BOOK HERE FOR AN INSURANCE CHECK

February 20, 2024

November 17, 2021

Adding a Sibling to Your Family

E:
95
with
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Family Therapist

What You'll Learn

  • Preparing To Add A Sibling
  • Managing Guilt of Dividing Attention and Love
  • Helping Older Children Cope When New Baby Arrives
  • Concerns During The Transition

Do you worry about how your child will adjust to a sibling? Do you fear you will struggle with dividing your love and attention between children? Expanding your family comes with many mixed emotions about what this transition will mean for you and the relationship you have with your first child. Marriage and family therapist Bryana Kappadakunnel is here to help us ditch the worry and guilt about adding a sibling and embrace being imperfectly perfect for our children.

Preparing To Add A Sibling

“Being a mom is one thing. Being a mom of two is another thing. Being a child is one thing. Being a brother or a sister is another thing,” Bryana said.

Being a child is one thing. Being a brother or a sister is another thing.

Reading books—over and over again—about kids becoming siblings can help, and talking to your kid about what’s going to happen after the baby comes home helps. Bryana talked to her son about how she would probably have to sit in her chair to nurse a lot after the baby came.

She and her oldest child put together a basket of things he could do while she was feeding the baby, so he wouldn’t be bored. Their basket included things like a fresh diaper and pretend bottle that would help him be as involved with the feeding process as he wanted.

If you’ve gone from spending one hundred percent of your time with your oldest child to splitting that time, they may feel jealous sometimes. Working with the child in advance to make sure they feel included is a proactive way to handle that. But if we go into this expecting there will be moments of jealousy, we’re less likely to be rattled by it than if we assume it’s not going to happen.

Managing Guilt Of Dividing Attention and Love

“I don’t want my child to feel abandoned by me” is a fear that comes up a lot in my IG polls and in working with clients in therapy. Bryana explained this fear seems to come from the idea that children build attention based on how physically present and available we are.

“Children do not build attachment that way. In fact, the way children build attachment is through our ability to build self-awareness. It’s our ability to understand ourselves and get out of the way a little bit,” she said. 

It’s true you won’t be able to spend as much time with the oldest once the new baby comes. “That is part of this transition,” Bryana said. But it doesn’t mean you love either child less.

“I like to say just like I grew a heart for you, I grew another heart for the new baby, so it’s not that you’re getting half of my love. You’re still getting all of my love, and the new baby will too,” Bryana explained.  

“Toddlers can get a bit hands-on when they feel jealous,” Bryana said. We’re programmed to protect the baby, so it’s common for moms of more than one child to yell at the toddler, “Don’t hurt the baby!” 

This is something a lot of moms carry guilt about, but it’s a very human moment. And you can repair it by using child-friendly language to let the older kid know we snapped because we were scared. It’s something we can work on while they work on keeping hands to themselves.

“Every single aspect of our health as mothers when it is cared for, treated with kindness, respect, grace, and compassion, all of that spills over into the relationship with the child,” Bryana said. 

Helping Older Children Cope When New Baby Arrives

“The first three minutes of the day and the last ten minutes of the day are the most important,” Bryana said. Is there something you can do for a few minutes with that older child? Because that’s going to make the biggest impact.

These intentional few minutes are about filling this child’s cup. “How do we fill this child’s cup?” Bryana asked. “We fill their cup with words of affirmation. I like to recommend praising the process, not the outcome.” 

“The research shows five minutes is the bare minimum. Fifteen minutes is the ideal,” Bryana said. Any amount of time between five and fifteen minutes of intentional time can meet a kid’s attachment needs.

Any amount of time between five and fifteen minutes of intentional time can meet a kid’s attachment needs.

When we add a sibling to our parenting dynamic, it can feel like we’re never doing enough. But five to fifteen minutes of quality playtime is very realistic. I can do that.

“There is this fake idea that the more you do as a mother, the better your child will be. The happier your child will be. The more successful your child will be,” she explained. But this idea that we all buy into isn’t even backed by research.

And self-compassion is really important in motherhood. We’re never going to be perfect, giving ourselves the grace not to be can be a game-changer. “It is the perfection that is killing our joy,” Bryana said.

“Your children actually need to learn to live in an imperfect world,” Bryana explained. “And the way children learn how to be in the world is how they learn to be in relationship with us.”

Concerns During The Transition

Moms are in survival mode when we add a sibling to the family. We just are. We’re physically healing and keeping multiple humans alive. It’s okay to get through one day and even one moment at a time right now.

A lot of second and third time moms find they don’t have as much support as they did the first time around, and that can be really hard. Lean into the help you do have, because you can’t be responsible for it all alone.

Lean into the help you do have, because you can’t be responsible for it all alone.

I made a FREE postpartum preplist that’s almost twenty pages long to help with this. It’s probably best to go through it before Baby arrives and have a plan. But it’s not too late. If you’re struggling right now, go through it and see if you can devise a plan. 

The postpartum checklist also has suggestions for how to ask for help when you need it. It lists the steps we need for our own mental health, because when we’re not sleeping at night and juggling multiple humans, mental health can be the last thing on our minds.

Adding a new baby to our families can be so difficult, and you’re going to need help. If you’re struggling to prepare older kids for the arrival of a new baby, please check out the free sibling resource!

NEWSLETTER

Subscribe to our newsletter and stay updated.
Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
Tags:

Adding a sibling

Stage:

Postpartum, Motherhood, Trying to Conceive, Pregnant

Share Now:

OUR GUEST

Bryana Kappadakunnel
Family Therapist

Bryana Kappadakunnel is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a board-certified Perinatal Mental Health Specialist, and an endorsed Infant-Family Early Childhood Mental Health Specialist.  For the past decade, she has worked exclusively with new moms and families with very young children to work through issues related to trauma, attachment, family needs, life adjustments and transitions, grief, loss, and more. 

Bryana runs her own mommy center in Redondo Beach, California, where she leads new mom and baby groups for infants and toddlers, as well as conscious mothering circles for mothers of older children. She recently launched Conscious Mommy, which is an online forum for women seeking to enhance their conscious awareness in motherhood and parenthood. Most importantly, though, Bryana is a mother of 2 children: 3 year old Matteo and pandemic-baby Giovanni, who will be 1 year old in December.

Erica Djossa
Erica Djossa
PMH-C | Founder of Momwell
Erica is the founder of Momwell, providing educational resources and virtual therapy for moms. She is a mom of three boys and a registered psychotherapist. Erica’s work has been featured in the Toronto Star, Breakfast Television, Scary Mommy, Medium, Pop Sugar, and Romper. how they want it.
RELATED ARTICLES
December 1, 2024
November 27, 2024
Fed is Best and Formula Can Save Lives: Why Rigid Breastfeeding Expectations Can be Harmful
E:
253
with
Dr. Christie del Castillo-Hegyi
Co-Founder of Fed Is Best Foundation
November 15, 2024
October 16, 2024
The Stressed-Out Mom: Why Maternal Stress Matters and How to Create Support
E:
247
with
Dr. Molly Dickens
Founder of The Maternal Stress Project
November 8, 2024
October 9, 2024
Understanding Options for Birth Control After Childbirth
E:
246
with
Dr. Fran Haydanek
DO, FACOG
November 8, 2024
October 2, 2024
How to Get Paid During Maternity Leave in the US: Understanding Rights, Policies, and Options
E:
245
with
Daphne Delvaux
Founder of Delvaux Law and the Mamattorney
November 8, 2024
September 25, 2024
The Importance of Emotional Learning as a Mom: Breaking Cycles and Building Confidence
E:
244
with
Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Co-Founders of Slumberkins
October 7, 2024
September 4, 2024
Raising Securely Attached Kids: How to Foster Connection and Build a Lasting Bond
E:
241
with
Eli Harwood
Licensed Therapist and Author
September 4, 2024
July 31, 2024
Approaching Infant Feeding with Flexibility: What We Can Learn from the Data on Combination Feeding
E:
236
with
Sarah O'Leary and Andrea Ippolito
CEO of Willow and CEO & Founder of SimpliFed
September 4, 2024
July 24, 2024
Emotional Regulation Skills for Moms: Why Motherhood Causes Dysregulation and How to Regain Some Control
E:
235
with
Dr. Amber Thornton
Clinical Psychologist and host of Know & Grow Podcast
August 19, 2024
July 17, 2024
Overcoming Anxiety About Introducing Solids to Baby: How to Trust Yourself and Your Child
E:
234
with
Jenny Best
Founder & CEO of Solid Starts
August 6, 2024
April 24, 2024
Understanding and Implementing Responsive Parenting: How to Break the Yelling/Shame Cycle
E:
222
with
Dr. Cindy Hovington
Founder of Curious Neuron
August 6, 2024
April 17, 2024
How to Maintain Friendships (and Make Friends) as a Mom
E:
221
with
Danielle Bayard Jackson
Author
August 6, 2024
April 10, 2024
How Stressed Moms Can Cope: Understanding and Breaking Out of the Stress Cycle
E:
220
with
Amelia Nagoski
Co-author of Burnout
July 3, 2024
February 28, 2024
How to Embrace Career Change as a Mom: Finding Your Passion and Overcoming Guilt
E:
214
with
Jess Galica
Career and Leadership Coach, Best-Selling Author
July 3, 2024
January 31, 2024
Postpartum Rage vs. Parental Anger: How Social Expectations Create Overwhelmed Moms
E:
210
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder and CEO of Psyched Mommy, licensed clinical psychologist
July 3, 2024
January 24, 2024
You’re Not an Angry Mom: Why We Experience Mom Rage (and What We Can Learn From It)
E:
209
with
Minna Dubin
Author of Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood
July 3, 2024
January 17, 2024
What Causes Mommy Brain? The Role of the Invisible Load on Forgetfulness and Brain Fog
E:
208
with
Dr. Jodi Pawluski
neuroscientist, psychotherapist and author
February 20, 2024
November 29, 2023
Prioritizing the Invisible Load of Motherhood: Valuing Our Own Time and Letting Go of Mental Labor
E:
201
with
Whitney Casares
Founder and CEO of Modern Mommy Doc
February 20, 2024
November 15, 2023
Breaking Generational Trauma Cycles: Healing Our Past and Moving Forward in Motherhood
E:
199
with
Dr. Mariel Buqué
Psychologist and the author of the book Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma
February 20, 2024
November 8, 2023
Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Perfectionism? Reframing the Concept of “Perfect” in Motherhood
E:
198
with
Katherine Morgan Schafler
Psychotherapist and author
February 20, 2024
October 11, 2023
Embracing the 7 Types of Rest: Why Moms Are Exhausted and What Actually Helps
E:
194
with
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith
Board-Certified internal medicine physician and award-winning author
February 20, 2024
October 4, 2023
Interpreting Newborn Hunger Cues and Sleepy Signs: How to Learn Your Baby’s Needs
E:
193
with
Sharon Mazel
Author of Bite-Sized Parenting: Your Baby’s First Year
February 20, 2024
September 20, 2023
Managing Mom Anxiety: Why Millennial Moms Are So Anxious and How to Overcome Our Fears
E:
191
with
Dr. Lauren Cook
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
September 13, 2023
Embracing Power as Moms: Reshaping Dynamics In and Out of the Home
E:
190
with
Claire Shipman
NYT Bestselling Author
February 20, 2024
September 6, 2023
How to Raise Confident Kids: Breaking Cycles of Negative Self-Esteem
E:
189
with
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe
Founder of The North Star Developmental Clinic
February 20, 2024
August 23, 2023
Understanding Sensory Self-Care: How Overstimulated Moms Can Regulate and Regain Calm
E:
187
with
Holly Peretz
Pediatric Occupational Therapist
February 20, 2024
August 16, 2023
Navigating Matrescence: The Roller Coaster of Becoming a Mom
E:
186
with
Dr. Catherine Birndorf
Co-Founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Center of New York
February 20, 2024
July 26, 2023
The Journey of a Bereaved Parent: Stefania Thomson’s Story of Navigating Grief and Loss
E:
183
with
Stefania Thomson
Bereavement and Grief Advocate
February 20, 2024
June 21, 2023
Myths About Toddler Behavior: How to Reclaim the "Terrible Twos"
E:
178
with
Dr. Cathryn Tobin
Pediatrician
February 20, 2024
April 19, 2023
Overcoming Grief as Our Children Age: The Value of Acceptance and How to Be More Present
E:
169
with
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Marriage & Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
March 29, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 2: Facing Pregnancy After a Traumatic Birth
E:
166
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
February 20, 2024
March 22, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 1: How Birth Trauma Impacts Our Family Decision Making
E:
165
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
February 20, 2024
March 15, 2023
Real Self-Care for Moms: Why Mindset Matters More Than Massages
E:
164
with
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
February 8, 2023
Overcoming Mom Guilt: Rewriting the Motherhood Contract and Charting Your Own Path
E:
159
with
Libby Ward
Founder of Diary of an Honest Mom
February 20, 2024
January 11, 2023
Understanding Baby Temperament: How to Tune Into Your Child’s Natural Personality
E:
155
with
Dr. Cara Goodwin
Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
December 28, 2022
Coping During Postpartum with No Family Support: When Reality Clashes with Expectations
E:
153
with
Emmalee Bierly and Jennifer Chaiken
Founders of ShrinkChicks
February 20, 2024
November 23, 2022
The Mental Load of Motherhood: How to Address the Imbalance of Household Labour
E:
148
with
Gemma Hartley
Journalist and Author
February 20, 2024
November 16, 2022
Surviving the Baby Witching Hour: How to Cope With Colicky and Fussy Babies
E:
147
with
Dr. Whitney Casares
Pediatrician
February 20, 2024
November 2, 2022
How To Deal With Toxic Positivity As a Mom: What To Do When Someone Invalidates Your Feelings
E:
145
with
Whitney Goodman
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
October 19, 2022
Returning to Work After Maternity Leave: Navigating the Emotions, Difficulties, and Challenges
E:
143
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
October 12, 2022
How to Know if You Have Postpartum Anxiety: Red Flags to Watch for in Pregnancy, Birth, and After Baby
E:
142
with
Dr. Sarah Oreck
Reproductive Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
October 5, 2022
Protecting Maternal Sleep: The Relationship Between Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum Depression
E:
141
with
Dr. Nicole Leistikow
Reproductive Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
February 20, 2024
September 21, 2022
Encouraging Independent Play: Why Unstructured Play Matters and How to Foster It
E:
139
with
Susie Allison
Founder of Busy Toddler
April 25, 2024
August 31, 2022
Why Does a Messy House Give Me Anxiety? How to Stress Less About Cleaning and Keep Your House Functioning
E:
136
with
KC Davis
@domesticblisters on TikTok and Founder of Struggle Care
February 20, 2024
August 3, 2022
Overcoming Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: Why Support Matters and How to Find Resources to Help
E:
132
with
Dr. Wendy Davis
Executive Director of PSI
February 20, 2024
July 27, 2022
Overcoming Working Mom Guilt: Why Moms Should Never Be Ashamed to Be Ambitious
E:
131
with
Lara Bazelon
Law Professor and Author
February 20, 2024
February 16, 2022
What is Matrescence? The Transition into Motherhood (And Why Being a New Mom is Hard)
E:
108
with
Dr. Katayune Kaeni
Perinatal Psychologist
February 20, 2024
February 9, 2022
How to Prepare Your Dog for a New Baby: Planning, Introducing, and Keeping Everyone Safe
E:
107
with
Dominika Knossalla
Certified Dog Trainer
February 20, 2024
February 2, 2022
Discover Your Personal Core Values
E:
106
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
January 26, 2022
When Mommy Rage Strikes: How to Prevent and Control the Anger
E:
105
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
February 20, 2024
January 5, 2022
Sleep Training Doesn't Have To Be Scary
E:
102
with
Dr. Aubrie DeBear
Founder of Baby Sleep Dr.