We Are In-Network With Insurance Providers in CA, PA & NY!
BOOK HERE FOR AN INSURANCE CHECK
We Are In-Network With Insurance Providers in CA, PA & NY!
BOOK HERE FOR AN INSURANCE CHECK

February 20, 2024

March 15, 2023

Real Self-Care for Moms: Why Mindset Matters More Than Massages

E:
164
with
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist

We have exciting news–Happy as a Mother has evolved into The Momwell Podcast! The podcast is staying the same–same great experts, same mission, same format. But we’re now operating under a new name–Momwell.

What You'll Learn

  • Why Self-Care Should Come from Within
  • How “Self-Care” Becomes a Form of Escapism
  • What Real Self-Care Looks Like
  • How Intensive Mothering Impacts Self-Care for Moms
  • How Moms Can Start to Practice Deeper Self-Care 
  • Why Real Self-Care for Moms Is So Important

Overwhelmed moms are often told to carve out time for “self-care,” from bubble baths to massages. But not only does that version of self-care for moms add more to our neverending to-do list—it also does not address the real problems that are contributing to burnout. 

Real self-care for moms isn’t about what we do or what we buy—it’s about mindset shifts that change the way we approach motherhood. Today, I’m joined by psychiatrist Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, author of Real Self-Care, to discuss self-care principles for moms and how we can prioritize our mental health. 

My Mental Health Struggle as a Mom

My mental health suffered when I became a mom. I struggled with undiagnosed postpartum depression for too long, until I finally experienced a breakdown (that ultimately became a mental health breakthrough) on my third maternity leave. 

But when I finally realized what was going on, and went to the doctor to discuss treatment, I didn’t feel heard or supported. The doctor condescendingly told me that I “just needed rest.” 

Moms often hear dismissive messages like that. 

You just need rest.

You just need a girl’s night out. 

You just need to get out of the house for a massage or a pedicure. 

But when we tell moms things like this, we aren’t actually solving the problem. We’re asking moms to add more to their invisible load and telling them that if they just buy something or do something they will feel better. 

The truth is that until we address what’s going on to cause our overwhelm, burnout, or mental health struggles, no amount of bubble baths or spa days will fix the problem. Real self-care for moms is so much more—and it’s focused internally, not externally. 

I was so excited to meet with Dr. Pooja and pick her brain about what self-care for moms should really look like on a deeper level. 

Why Self-Care Should Come from Within

When we think of “self-care,” we often fall back on stereotypical images of momentary relaxation or temporary breaks. But moms often find that they don’t have the mental capacity, time, or energy to create those moments—especially in the postpartum period. 

If “self-care” is unrealistic, moms can end up feeling more pressure and frustration when they can’t achieve it. 

Dr. Pooja’s approach to self-care is different. Before she even became a mom, she began to see that traditional “self-care” was more of a band-aid than a cure. She experienced burnout in medical school and became disillusioned with Western medicine and psychotherapy. 

She ended up moving into a commune (which she later discovered was actually a cult), chasing a different path. After two years there, she began to see the same contradictions and shortcomings in alternative healing that she had in traditional medicine. 

That’s when she realized that the burnout and disillusionment weren’t about her surroundings—she couldn’t run away from her struggles because they were within her. Nothing outside of herself was going to change that. 

She began focusing on transforming her own mindset to break out of burnout, overcome overwhelm, and work through the barriers to her mental health. 

Women are missing something, and we’re not being served by the solutions that are sold to us.

Dr. Pooja pointed out that many women and moms in particular turn to spiritual practices, oils, holistic wellness, and more as a form of self-care, only to be left unhealed. But it’s because something is missing for us, and we are not being served by the solutions that are sold to us. 

How “Self-Care” Becomes a Form of Escapism

Dr. Pooja was almost hesitant to write a self-help book because she didn’t want to play into the world that tells us if we just buy or do the right thing all our problems will go away. In fact, she says that if anybody tells you they have the one right answer, it’s time to run away. 

But ultimately she felt a sense of responsibility to point out that the system is failing women, people of color, and those with disabilities. We’re being told to look for answers in the wrong place. 

For many moms, the concept of “self-care” becomes a form of escapism. When the pressure mounts, we search for relief. But those typical self-care methods can only provide a temporary break. 

Dr. Pooja emphasized that there is nothing wrong with things like bubble baths, yoga, or gratitude journals. We need breaks, time for self-soothing, and relaxation methods. However, none of those change the fact that moms are being bombarded with overwhelming pressure and mental labor. 

In order to create real shifts, we need to view self-care through a different lens. When we can do that, we can actually change the way we feel in our day-to-day lives. 

What Real Self-Care Looks Like

Dr. Pooja says that real self-care is a principle. It’s self-directed. It isn’t something you do or buy—it’s a way of being. 

Real self-care isn’t something you do or buy—it’s a way of being.

She shared an example of a client of hers who found solace in swimming. So, she committed to carving out protected time to swim several times a week. 

On the surface, we might think that swimming itself is the self-care. But Dr. Pooja said that the real self-care is the boundaries she had to put up in her life to protect that time, the way she talked to herself about her time, the communication methods she used with her partner to explain the need, and the permission she gave herself to prioritize her own time. 

When we get focused on a self-care method, sometimes life changes and that doesn’t work for us anymore. After we become moms, it’s often unrealistic to carry out the same methods we used before. 

That’s why self-care as performative or consumer-oriented doesn’t work. It often feels like a chore, and we might even beat ourselves up when we don’t have time for it. And even if we do manage to carve out that time, it might not do any good. If we take a bubble bath but we’re preoccupied with the mental load, we haven’t really practiced self-care. 

But if we focus on the principles, it doesn’t matter what methods we use, or what changes our season of life brings. The principles are something we carry with us for our whole lives. 

How Intensive Mothering Impacts Self-Care for Moms

One of the reasons that moms find self-care so difficult is the pressure of social norms and expectations. We are living in a time when moms are subjected to intensive mothering ideology, told that in order to be “perfect moms,” they must sacrifice every bit of their time, money, energy, and resources. 

When you’re conditioned to believe that doing everything at a cost of yourself defines your worth as a mom, it’s very difficult to prioritize your own time or mental health. 

But if we can shift that mentality and view real self-care as an essential part of both being a good person to ourselves and being a good mother, we can break away from those expectations. 

Dr. Pooja recommends focusing on self-compassion, giving yourself permission to do less, and discovering what’s truly important to you. She said that if we can think of parenting, of being a mom, in a different way, we can let go of the pressure and free ourselves. 

But doing that might come with some resistance. Dr. Pooja wrote an article in the New York Times about preparing herself for the risk of postpartum mental health struggles and received a lot of scathing comments. 

People get very angry when moms talk about their own needs or their own preferences.

People get very angry when moms talk about their own needs or their own preferences. That doesn’t align with our social view of motherhood. 

It takes a lot of work to become comfortable breaking away from societal norms. We have to become very confident in our own values and our own approach. 

Dr. Pooja said that you know you’re doing real self-care right when people get angry with you. If you’re pleasing everyone, you’re not setting boundaries or focusing on self-care. 

How Moms Can Start to Practice Deeper Self-Care 

In fact, Dr. Pooja said that boundary setting is one of the first steps toward practicing real self-care with moms. We are often raised to believe that boundaries are rude, entitled, or disrespectful. But in reality, boundaries are vital to taking care of ourselves. 

Learning how to set boundaries and stand up for our own needs can make a big impact on our lives and our relationship with motherhood. 

Sometimes this can come in big areas, but it can start with little things. If you aren’t sure where to begin, focus on a small boundary or shift you can make in your life. 

Dr. Pooja said that identifying and committing to your personal values gives you a real self-care compass and makes it easier to identify what boundaries should be set. 

Committing to your personal values gives you a real self-care compass

When you lead with values, you are able to live a more authentic life, letting go of labor, pressure, and expectations that don’t align with who you are. 

This can be a big struggle for moms who have spent years focusing on their kids. When she asks mom clients, “What do you want more of in your life?” The answer is often, “I have no idea.” 

It can take some time to bring ourselves back onto the priority list. It’s important to give ourselves patience and compassion along the way. Small steps can make a big difference in the long run. 

Why Real Self-Care for Moms Is So Important

Dr. Pooja said that shifting the way we think about self-care for moms matters. A break or a girl’s night out is great, but what’s better is bringing our values into our to-do list, breaking out of the idea that we must carry the invisible load alone, and giving permission to ourselves to question the norms we’ve been handed. 

As we start to do things differently, we create a ripple effect for those around us to prioritize themselves, question the expectations they’ve been given, and approach motherhood differently. 

It’s important to find support. Dr. Pooja recommends identifying the people who will hold space for you and lift you up on your journey. 

We don’t have to follow outdated gender norms, carry the mental load of motherhood by ourselves, or continue down a path to burnout. We can choose to live a life aligned with our values and opt out of many of the expectations of motherhood. 

Dr. Pooja said that the path forward to real self-care looks different for every mom. She can’t give us a cookie-cutter list of steps because so much of the process involves inner work, values, and understanding our own unique needs. 

But she did say that the best way to begin is by asking yourself questions. 

What is “enough”?

Where did I learn that I have to do and be more? 

Why do I feel like I have to be constantly in motion?

We might sometimes get scary answers from those questions. But in those scary answers, we can find small ways to make shifts, do things differently, and give ourselves space. 

There isn’t a quick fix to real self-care. But we can choose to value ourselves, explore our needs, believe in our own worth, and start to approach our role in a different way. 

Working with a mom therapist can help you answer these deep questions, identify your values, and break away from unrealistic pressure and expectations in motherhood. Book a FREE 15 minute virtual Therapy Support consultation with one of our maternal mental health specialists today!

NEWSLETTER

Subscribe to our newsletter and stay updated.
Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
Tags:

Perfect mother myth, Burnout, Values

Stage:

Trying to Conceive, Pregnant, Postpartum, Motherhood

Share Now:

OUR GUEST

Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist

Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD is a psychiatrist, New York Times contributor, and the founder and CEO of Gemma, the physician-led women's mental health platform and the author of Real Self-Care. Pooja maintains an active private practice where she treats women struggling with burnout, perfectionism, and disillusionment, as well as clinical conditions like depression and anxiety. Her first book, REAL SELF-CARE: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included), is available on March 14 from Penguin Random House. She lives in Austin with her partner, their son, and their two cats.

Erica Djossa
Erica Djossa
PMH-C | Founder of Momwell
Erica is the founder of Momwell, providing educational resources and virtual therapy for moms. She is a mom of three boys and a registered psychotherapist. Erica’s work has been featured in the Toronto Star, Breakfast Television, Scary Mommy, Medium, Pop Sugar, and Romper. how they want it.
RELATED ARTICLES
December 11, 2024
December 11, 2024
Navigating Loneliness in Motherhood: Why Moms Feel Unseen and Invisible
E:
255
with
Dr. Jody Carrington
Psychologist and Author
December 12, 2024
October 23, 2024
From the Vault: Setting Boundaries with In-laws and Family Members
E:
248
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
November 15, 2024
October 16, 2024
The Stressed-Out Mom: Why Maternal Stress Matters and How to Create Support
E:
247
with
Dr. Molly Dickens
Founder of The Maternal Stress Project
November 8, 2024
September 25, 2024
The Importance of Emotional Learning as a Mom: Breaking Cycles and Building Confidence
E:
244
with
Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Co-Founders of Slumberkins
October 15, 2024
September 11, 2024
Navigating Stress and Relationship Conflict as Parents: How to Work as a Team After Having Kids
E:
242
with
Liz Earnshaw
Family and Marriage Therapist
October 7, 2024
September 4, 2024
Raising Securely Attached Kids: How to Foster Connection and Build a Lasting Bond
E:
241
with
Eli Harwood
Licensed Therapist and Author
September 4, 2024
July 31, 2024
Approaching Infant Feeding with Flexibility: What We Can Learn from the Data on Combination Feeding
E:
236
with
Sarah O'Leary and Andrea Ippolito
CEO of Willow and CEO & Founder of SimpliFed
September 4, 2024
July 24, 2024
Emotional Regulation Skills for Moms: Why Motherhood Causes Dysregulation and How to Regain Some Control
E:
235
with
Dr. Amber Thornton
Clinical Psychologist and host of Know & Grow Podcast
August 6, 2024
June 19, 2024
Navigating Culture and Mental Health in Motherhood: Traditions, Boundaries, and Carving Out Your Own Path
E:
230
with
Sahaj Kaur Kohli
Founder of Brown Girl Therapy and Author
August 6, 2024
April 24, 2024
Understanding and Implementing Responsive Parenting: How to Break the Yelling/Shame Cycle
E:
222
with
Dr. Cindy Hovington
Founder of Curious Neuron
August 6, 2024
April 17, 2024
How to Maintain Friendships (and Make Friends) as a Mom
E:
221
with
Danielle Bayard Jackson
Author
August 6, 2024
April 10, 2024
How Stressed Moms Can Cope: Understanding and Breaking Out of the Stress Cycle
E:
220
with
Amelia Nagoski
Co-author of Burnout
July 3, 2024
February 28, 2024
How to Embrace Career Change as a Mom: Finding Your Passion and Overcoming Guilt
E:
214
with
Jess Galica
Career and Leadership Coach, Best-Selling Author
July 3, 2024
February 21, 2024
Understanding Postpartum Depression in Dads and Non-Birthing Partners
E:
213
with
Mark Williams
International Advocate for Perinatal Mental Health and Author
July 3, 2024
February 14, 2024
Rekindling Your Sex Life After Baby: Communication Is Key
E:
212
with
Vanessa & Xander Marin
bestselling authors & hosts of the podcast Pillow Talks
July 3, 2024
January 31, 2024
Postpartum Rage vs. Parental Anger: How Social Expectations Create Overwhelmed Moms
E:
210
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder and CEO of Psyched Mommy, licensed clinical psychologist
July 3, 2024
January 24, 2024
You’re Not an Angry Mom: Why We Experience Mom Rage (and What We Can Learn From It)
E:
209
with
Minna Dubin
Author of Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood
July 3, 2024
January 17, 2024
What Causes Mommy Brain? The Role of the Invisible Load on Forgetfulness and Brain Fog
E:
208
with
Dr. Jodi Pawluski
neuroscientist, psychotherapist and author
February 20, 2024
December 6, 2023
Navigating Different Sex Drives in Parenthood: What Impacts Libido and How to Reconnect
E:
202
with
Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy & Dr. Jennifer Vencill
Licensed Psychologists and Authors
February 20, 2024
November 29, 2023
Prioritizing the Invisible Load of Motherhood: Valuing Our Own Time and Letting Go of Mental Labor
E:
201
with
Whitney Casares
Founder and CEO of Modern Mommy Doc
February 20, 2024
November 22, 2023
Erica’s Husband Reflects on Sharing the Invisible Load
E:
200
with
Frenel Djossa
Erica’s Husband & Co-Founder of Momwell
February 20, 2024
November 15, 2023
Breaking Generational Trauma Cycles: Healing Our Past and Moving Forward in Motherhood
E:
199
with
Dr. Mariel Buqué
Psychologist and the author of the book Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma
February 20, 2024
November 8, 2023
Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Perfectionism? Reframing the Concept of “Perfect” in Motherhood
E:
198
with
Katherine Morgan Schafler
Psychotherapist and author
February 20, 2024
November 1, 2023
Breaking Out of the Default Parent Role: How to Communicate with Your Partner and Change Patterns
E:
197
with
Erin & Stephen Mitchell
Founders of Couples Counseling for Parents
February 20, 2024
October 18, 2023
Rebuilding Connection and Intimacy After Baby: How Family Systems Can Help Us Navigate Relationship Challenges
E:
195
with
Aaron Steinberg
Co-Founder of Babyproofing Your Relationship
February 20, 2024
October 11, 2023
Embracing the 7 Types of Rest: Why Moms Are Exhausted and What Actually Helps
E:
194
with
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith
Board-Certified internal medicine physician and award-winning author
February 20, 2024
October 4, 2023
Interpreting Newborn Hunger Cues and Sleepy Signs: How to Learn Your Baby’s Needs
E:
193
with
Sharon Mazel
Author of Bite-Sized Parenting: Your Baby’s First Year
February 20, 2024
September 27, 2023
Understanding Overfunctioning in Relationships: How to Change Dynamics After Baby
E:
192
with
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Expert
February 20, 2024
September 20, 2023
Managing Mom Anxiety: Why Millennial Moms Are So Anxious and How to Overcome Our Fears
E:
191
with
Dr. Lauren Cook
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
September 13, 2023
Embracing Power as Moms: Reshaping Dynamics In and Out of the Home
E:
190
with
Claire Shipman
NYT Bestselling Author
February 20, 2024
September 6, 2023
How to Raise Confident Kids: Breaking Cycles of Negative Self-Esteem
E:
189
with
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe
Founder of The North Star Developmental Clinic
February 20, 2024
August 23, 2023
Understanding Sensory Self-Care: How Overstimulated Moms Can Regulate and Regain Calm
E:
187
with
Holly Peretz
Pediatric Occupational Therapist
February 20, 2024
August 16, 2023
Navigating Matrescence: The Roller Coaster of Becoming a Mom
E:
186
with
Dr. Catherine Birndorf
Co-Founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Center of New York
February 20, 2024
August 2, 2023
Establishing Family Values: How to Identify What Matters and Avoid Comparison
E:
184
with
Mell & Joe Hashey
Founders of Strong Family Co.
February 20, 2024
July 26, 2023
The Journey of a Bereaved Parent: Stefania Thomson’s Story of Navigating Grief and Loss
E:
183
with
Stefania Thomson
Bereavement and Grief Advocate
February 20, 2024
June 21, 2023
Myths About Toddler Behavior: How to Reclaim the "Terrible Twos"
E:
178
with
Dr. Cathryn Tobin
Pediatrician
February 20, 2024
April 26, 2023
Working Through Conflict About Growing Your Family: What to Do When Only One Partner Wants Another Baby
E:
170
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
March 29, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 2: Facing Pregnancy After a Traumatic Birth
E:
166
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
February 20, 2024
March 22, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 1: How Birth Trauma Impacts Our Family Decision Making
E:
165
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
February 20, 2024
March 15, 2023
Real Self-Care for Moms: Why Mindset Matters More Than Massages
E:
164
with
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
February 8, 2023
Overcoming Mom Guilt: Rewriting the Motherhood Contract and Charting Your Own Path
E:
159
with
Libby Ward
Founder of Diary of an Honest Mom
February 20, 2024
January 18, 2023
Resolving Conflict in Your Relationship After Baby
E:
156
with
Sheina Schochet
Mental Health Counselor
February 20, 2024
January 4, 2023
Reestablishing Sex After Baby: Why Communication Matters and How to Create a New Normal
E:
154
with
Travis Goodman
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
December 28, 2022
Coping During Postpartum with No Family Support: When Reality Clashes with Expectations
E:
153
with
Emmalee Bierly and Jennifer Chaiken
Founders of ShrinkChicks
February 20, 2024
November 23, 2022
The Mental Load of Motherhood: How to Address the Imbalance of Household Labour
E:
148
with
Gemma Hartley
Journalist and Author
February 20, 2024
November 16, 2022
Surviving the Baby Witching Hour: How to Cope With Colicky and Fussy Babies
E:
147
with
Dr. Whitney Casares
Pediatrician
February 20, 2024
November 2, 2022
How To Deal With Toxic Positivity As a Mom: What To Do When Someone Invalidates Your Feelings
E:
145
with
Whitney Goodman
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
October 19, 2022
Returning to Work After Maternity Leave: Navigating the Emotions, Difficulties, and Challenges
E:
143
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
October 12, 2022
How to Know if You Have Postpartum Anxiety: Red Flags to Watch for in Pregnancy, Birth, and After Baby
E:
142
with
Dr. Sarah Oreck
Reproductive Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
October 5, 2022
Protecting Maternal Sleep: The Relationship Between Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum Depression
E:
141
with
Dr. Nicole Leistikow
Reproductive Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
February 20, 2024
September 21, 2022
Encouraging Independent Play: Why Unstructured Play Matters and How to Foster It
E:
139
with
Susie Allison
Founder of Busy Toddler
February 20, 2024
September 14, 2022
Dividing Labour Fairly in the Home: Redistributing the Mental Load of Motherhood
E:
138
with
Dr. Darcy Lockman
Author and Psychologist
April 25, 2024
August 31, 2022
Why Does a Messy House Give Me Anxiety? How to Stress Less About Cleaning and Keep Your House Functioning
E:
136
with
KC Davis
@domesticblisters on TikTok and Founder of Struggle Care
February 20, 2024
August 3, 2022
Overcoming Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: Why Support Matters and How to Find Resources to Help
E:
132
with
Dr. Wendy Davis
Executive Director of PSI
February 20, 2024
July 27, 2022
Overcoming Working Mom Guilt: Why Moms Should Never Be Ashamed to Be Ambitious
E:
131
with
Lara Bazelon
Law Professor and Author