What You'll Learn
- Jack’s Story
- The Complex Journey of Grief
- How the Pandemic Impacted Maternal Mental Health
- What to Say (and Not Say) to a Bereaved Parent
- Making the Decision to Have Another Baby After Loss
- Resources for Bereaved Parents
Trigger Warning: This post contains the story of a loss of a child and the journey of grief following.
The loss of a child is something that nobody can understand unless they experience it. But bereaved parents need support, validation, and awareness.
Today, I’m joined by bereavement and grief advocate Stefania Thomson as she shares her story of navigating loss and discusses how to support bereaved parents.
Shining a Light on the Community
The journey of motherhood doesn’t look the same for all of us. And as part of my mission at Momwell, I think it’s important to hold space for all moms.
One of the ways I want to do this is by highlighting stories from the community—especially those stories that can help empower and guide moms on their struggles.
I wanted to speak with Stefania, not just to shine a light on her story and the work that she’s doing, but also to help other moms who are coping with grief and loss.
If that’s you, I want you to know that your feelings are valid and your journey matters. If that isn’t you, I want you to know how to lift up and support bereaved parents and show up the way they need.
I am so glad to have this opportunity to talk with Stefania about her experience, her feelings, and her grief journey as a bereaved parent.
Jack’s Story
When Stefania’s son Jack was almost six months old, he developed a persistent fever. At first, she and her husband assumed it was teething. But as it progressed, it became apparent that something else was happening—Jack’s fingernails and lips were starting to turn blue.
They took Jack to the emergency room, and then to a pediatric clinic, where the doctors suspected some sort of virus. They sent him home and everyone assumed he would recover quickly. But before long, Stefania noticed he was lethargic and his fever wasn’t improving.
They went back to the hospital, where they started an IV and fluids. The doctors also started to do blood work. Stefania and her husband assumed this was routine, until eventually two doctors came into the room and told her that they believed Jack had leukemia.
Jack was transported to the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto. They quickly ruled out leukemia, but were unsure of what he had. Doctors began running tests for rare diseases, eventually diagnosing him with hemophagocytic lymphohistiocytosis—a rare disorder affecting white blood cells.
The disease was an autosomal recessive condition, meaning that though Stefania and her husband hadn’t known before, each of their children had a 25% chance of developing it.
The only cure was a blood marrow transplant. They were able to determine that Jack’s older sister, two years old at the time, was a match. Stefania and her husband explained the situation to their daughter as best as they could, and she was a trooper about the procedure.
But devastatingly, the procedure was ultimately unsuccessful. Stefania will never get clear answers about exactly what happened with the transplant, which at first showed some signs of success. Jack passed away in February of 2020, five months after the diagnosis.
The Complex Journey of Grief
Stefania shared the complexities of navigating her emotions, both during Jack’s period of illness and after losing him. She went from being on autopilot during Jack’s hospital stay, juggling logistics and realities while trying not to fall apart, to being fully grief-stricken after his loss. In fact, her memories of the immediate aftermath and the funeral are very sparse.
This is very common when experiencing grief or any form of loss. Losing someone we love is one of the toughest blows life can deal us, and as moms, we're often expected to be the pillars of strength for our families.
But grief doesn’t follow a linear path–and we can’t will ourselves through it.
But grief doesn’t follow a linear path–and we can’t will ourselves through it. Some days, we might feel like we're slowly healing, finding our way back to a new normal. But then, out of nowhere, a wave of sadness crashes over us, and it feels like we're back to square one.
It's frustrating, confusing, and sometimes even guilt-inducing. But it’s important to give ourselves space to feel all the feelings. When we grieve, we might feel angry or numb on some days, while other days we might find ourselves fondly reminiscing about good times.
The key is to give yourself permission to experience the full range of emotions that come with grief, without judgment or self-criticism. Grief doesn’t have a destination and ebbing and flowing in your emotions is not a sign of weakness. Allow yourself the time and space to process your feelings. Surround yourself with a support network that understands and accepts that grief doesn't fit into neat little boxes.
Stefania experienced the entire range, a roller coaster of emotions that came and went. She recalled moments in her journey of going through the motions of what needed to be done, feeling numbness, experiencing anger, and viewing her daughter as her hero—the shining light that kept her going when she wasn’t sure how to move forward.
How the Pandemic Impacted Maternal Mental Health
After the loss of Jack, Stefania felt alone, and that grew worse very quickly. Just a few weeks after Jack passed, the pandemic shut everything down, further isolating her and taking away many opportunities for support.
Grieving during the pandemic was extremely difficult. Stefania was unable to spend time with much of her support system.
This isolation is something shared by many of us during the pandemic, and it has impacted maternal mental health on a large scale. Moms found themselves at home, unable to attend meetups, playdates, or other outlets for connection and companionship.
Meanwhile, moms were bearing the burden of more invisible labor than ever, often without hands-on support from family members or friends.
The rate of postpartum depression tripled, and moms were more likely to report anxiety, stress, lack of quality sleep, and an increase in Mom Rage.
A lack of support and a sense of isolation are risk factors for the mental health of moms in general. When combined with loss or grief, it was even more of a struggle. And with a lack of access to health care, this caused a very clear crisis for moms.
The isolation was extremely difficult for Stefania. As she healed, she turned to social media to offer support and community to moms everywhere who were struggling with loss and grief.
What to Say (and Not Say) to a Bereaved Parent
When someone we know is grieving the loss of a loved one, we are often uncertain about the best way to respond.
Sometimes we fall into patterns of toxic positivity, trying to minimize the pain and make everything better. Stefania experienced this many times.
Sometimes we well-meaning people would say things like:
Jack wouldn’t want you to be sad.
Or
Just take everything one step at a time.
But Stefania didn’t find any of that helpful. What she really needed was validation. She wanted to be validated in her entire spectrum of feelings—anger, resentment, fear, and depression.
Stefania said that one of the most comforting statements she received was simply, “I’m thinking of you.” She pointed out that we might not think that would have an impact, but for her, it lightened the loneliness.
There is no “right thing” to say that will take away the pain.
There is no “right thing” to say that will take away the pain. People want to fix grief or minimize it—but that isn’t realistic. Instead, we can support and validate our loved ones in their feelings and their grief journey.
Making the Decision to Have Another Baby After Loss
Somehow, day by day, Stefania continued on. She will always grieve—there is no end destination. But over time, she and her husband began to reclaim some capacity. Ultimately arriving at a place where they felt ready to have another baby—not to replace Jack, but to continue to grow their family.
The decision to have another baby after experiencing the loss of a child is an incredibly complex and deeply personal one. The grief and pain that come with losing a child are unimaginable, and navigating the path forward can be complex.
For some families, the desire to continue growing a family can be positive and healing. The thought of bringing new life into the world can be a source of comfort and a way to honor the memory of the child they lost.
On the other hand, the fear of going through the same pain and loss again can be paralyzing. The trauma of a previous loss may cast a shadow of doubt and apprehension over the decision.
There is no right or perfect time to have another baby–and the decision is likely to come with a wide range of emotions, including doubt, guilt, fear, grief, and relief. Just like making the decision to have another baby after experiencing birth trauma, it’s ideal to seek help from a therapist and make the decision from a place of healing if possible.
Resources for Bereaved Parents
Stefania explained that what bereaved parents really need is connection, relatability, and support. That’s why she built her community to offer a safe space for moms going through a loss.
It’s vital for bereaved parents to have access to the support they need.
Other important resources for bereaved parents include:
- Compassionate Friends: A support organization that offers online forums, local support groups, and a wealth of educational materials to help parents navigate their grief journey.
- Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support: An organization that offers support, education, and resources for parents who have experienced pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or the death of an infant.
- GriefShare: A grief recovery support group program that offers resources and support for individuals who have experienced the death of a loved one.
- MISS Foundation: A nonprofit organization that provides counseling referrals, educational materials, and retreats for bereaved parents.
- Bereaved Parents of the USA: A national organization dedicated to supporting parents and families after the death of a child, with online and in-person support groups, a helpline, and resources to help parents navigate their grief journey.
If you or someone you know has experienced a loss, visit Stefania’s platform or one of these valuable resources. Find your community. Share your journey on your terms. And take comfort from those around you.
I’m so grateful to Stefania for sharing her story with us. I know for her that grief is going to be part of her life forever—she will never be done grieving her son. But she has taken her experience and turned it into an outlet to ensure that other moms in her situation don’t have to feel alone.
If you are grieving or have experienced trauma, our mom therapists are here for you. Book a FREE 15 minute virtual consult today.
