What You'll Learn

• How Social Messaging Contributes to Anger for Moms
• How Expectations of Motherhood Lead to Mom Anger
• The Societal Factor of Maternal Anger vs. Individual Mom Rage
• The Problem with the “Angry Mom” Concept
• The Importance of Curiosity About Our Mom Rage
• How to Reframe Your Relationship With Your Mom Anger

None of us set out to become angry moms. We likely envisioned responding with warmth, patience, nurturing, and understanding. 

But the reality is often a far cry from that vision. Sleep deprivation, gender norms we didn’t even know we were carrying, an invisible load we weren’t prepared for, and an unrelenting pressure to be and do more often leave us feeling overwhelmed, helpless, and even hopeless. 

The more we push those feelings down, the more they bubble beneath the surface, often erupting as Mom Rage. 

Maternal anger leaves us feeling ashamed and guilty. We often believe that there is something wrong with us—that our rage moments are flaws or indicators that we aren’t good enough moms. 

But the truth is that Mom Rage is a symptom. Sometimes it’s a symptom of mental health struggles, such as PPD, PPA, or burnout. Sometimes it’s a symptom of sleep deprivation and unmet needs. And sometimes it’s a symptom of mothering in a society that doesn’t value or support us. 

The more we shame ourselves or view ourselves as “angry moms,” the harder it is to learn the skills and tools to address the cause of our Mom Rage. But if we can break away from the judgment and shame, and look deeper to see what’s beneath the surface, we can pave the way for real change. 

This week Minna Dubin, author of Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood, returns to The Momwell Podcast to unpack why we experience anger as moms, and how we can reframe our understanding of it and use it to meet our needs. 

How Social Messaging Contributes to Anger for Moms

When Minna found herself experiencing Mom Rage, she dealt with the same disconnect and shame that so many moms face. Nobody was openly discussing maternal anger. But Minna knew she wasn’t the only one going through this. 

When an article she wrote about maternal rage went viral, she saw how important it was to talk about it. Now, she has published a book not only normalizing Mom Rage, but reminding us that we aren’t “angry moms.” We’re moms who are facing impossible standards and pressure from society. 

One of the concepts Minna discusses in her book is “Motherhood’s PR team.” Motherhood as a construct comes with a lot of messaging that we learn from an early age—and not all of that messaging is productive or healthy. 

These messages tell us that motherhood is a beautiful experience full of love, and that it should fulfill us entirely. 

Minna says that one of the biggest social messages is the idea that motherhood is the best job a woman can have. This message often leaves moms feeling as if they are neglecting their “real work” as moms if they continue their career outside of the home. It also tells moms that their only value is in their motherhood role. 

These messages lay the foundation for moms to be overwhelmed, pushing themselves to the point of burnout. We feel as if we must constantly be and do more, without experiencing negative emotions or taking care of our own needs in the process. 

We often end up carrying the bulk of the household labor, even if we are also working full-time jobs or outearning our partners, and feeling pressured to work as if we don’t have children and mother as if we don’t work. 

Between juggling the mental load, the caregiving role, and often working outside the home as well, it’s no wonder moms feel overwhelmed and unable to keep up with the expectations.

We’re trying to meet impossible standards, carry an invisible load, and “balance” it all without support.

Minna believes that this is what lays the foundation for anger in moms. We’re trying to meet impossible standards, carry an invisible load we never asked for, and “balance” it all without support. But because of that social messaging, we feel as if we can’t complain, ask for help, or even show that we’re struggling. 

How Expectations of Motherhood Lead to Mom Anger

Minna pointed out that women are often pressured into motherhood by being fed a version of it that doesn’t exist—without all the downs, the struggles, and the hard parts. So when we become moms and experience a very different reality, it’s jarring. 

It’s often the gap between expectations and reality that creates distress for moms. We’re sold an image of “mother’s intuition,” instant bonding, and a role that we were meant for. But the truth is often much more complicated, with a lot of learning and struggle along the way. 

And when we’re left to figure it out on our own, or met with toxic positivity when we voice any concerns, it can come with feelings of being invisible, isolated, and unvalued. 

Minna relates this experience to feeling like a freefall. We see images in the media of moms who seem to bounce back with no struggle and appear to enjoy every moment of motherhood. Nobody is posting the hard parts, the struggles, and the range of emotions that come with it. 

She said it becomes a gaslighting experience. We can feel as if our experience is wrong, or as if something must be wrong with us. 

We tell ourselves we need to do better instead of questioning why our society isn’t set up to support moms. 

We often feel as if we just need to push ourselves more, ignore our struggles or emotions, or shame ourselves out of our experience. We tell ourselves we need to do better instead of questioning why our society isn’t set up to support moms. 

But we end up experiencing more isolation and overwhelm, creating the perfect recipe for maternal anger. 

The Societal Factor of Maternal Anger vs. Individual Mom Rage

Defining the causes behind Mom Rage can be tricky. There are so many factors at play, some on an individual level and some on a societal one. 

Mom Rage is frustration at not being supported, resentment at the invisible load that often falls to moms, and an overall feeling of injustice and unachievable pressure of perfection. 

But Mom Rage is also irritability, frustration, and anger in our day-to-day parenthood, often resulting in outbursts of frustration at our child or our partner. 

It’s fueled by physical factors, such as hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, or unmet physical needs. It’s fueled by emotional factors, such as relationship conflict, childhood wounds and generational cycles surfacing, or a lack of time for ourselves and our passions. And, it’s also fueled by a society that pushes us to do more, keep up appearances, and handle it all without batting an eye. 

It’s important to understand that the societal component is valid. It’s real—and our anger is justified. 

But at the same time, we can’t change workplace policies, accessible childcare, or some of those larger-scale factors overnight.  

We can, however, learn how to build a toolbox of skills and strategies to recognize our day-to-day anger, advocate for and meet our needs, and create a plan for managing rage in and out of the moment. 

Minna pointed out that the conversation about Mom Rage needs to include both sides—the societal and the individual. We might be living with societal structures and patriarchal setups around motherhood that should change—but we still have to live in the day-to-day. We can still understand how to meet our needs and express our anger more constructively. 

The Problem with the “Angry Mom” Concept

It’s easy to fall into shame when we experience anger as moms. But that shame often keeps us from gaining the tools we need to manage our anger and express it healthily. 

When Dr. Wendy Davis, director of Postpartum Support International, appeared on the podcast, she pointed out that moms who had not often experienced anger before motherhood often felt ill-equipped to handle it. They are often blindsided by their anger—and they never gained the skills and tools needed to manage it. 

The ups and downs of our emotions in motherhood can feel difficult to manage, especially without those tools in place. We’re often experiencing triggering behavior, dealing with unresolved childhood wounds, and trying to learn how to manage not just our emotions but also our children’s—especially when we are mothering neurodivergent children. 

It’s a lot of mental and emotional labor—and when our plates are already full with the invisible load, it can feel impossible. 

Minna pointed out that when we’re carrying all of that labor and depletion and distress and it surfaces as Mom Rage, we’re just deemed “angry moms,” largely due to that motherhood PR team and intensive mothering ideology that leaves us feeling as if we’re bad moms if we experience emotions. That’s why the conversation about anger in moms needs to encompass a holistic view. 

Social messaging tells us that a woman’s anger is always corrosive.

Minna believes that breaking away from this “angry mom” image and reframing the picture is important. She pointed out that social messaging tells us that a woman’s anger is always corrosive. 

But that doesn’t leave room for humanity or nuance. Anger can be expressed in destructive, unhealthy ways. But it is also a valid emotion, and a sign that some need is not being met. And Minna says that when we stop the shame, we can use anger as a catalyst for change. 

The Importance of Curiosity About Our Mom Rage

Minna believes that our anger has power and wisdom. It’s like a weather vane pointing to where we need attention or healing. We might not be able to change the societal factors—but it’s okay to sit in our anger for a moment and understand that it is justified and valid. And then, instead of blaming ourselves, we can become curious about our anger. 

None of us want to experience anger in motherhood, but breaking away from the shame matters. 

Minna pointed out that using anger for change is great—but that it also shouldn’t turn into another job or more mental load for moms.

The real work around Mom Rage is becoming a person with needs. 

That’s why she advocates for curiosity rather than “fixing anger.” Rage is never going to go away. Our emotions aren’t just going to stop. And Minna believes we shouldn’t think about our anger as something that needs to be “fixed.” 

But if we instead focus on curiosity, we can move into solutions in a productive way. We can determine what needs aren’t being met, where we need support, and how we can make changes that will help us get that support. 

It’s not about a quick fix or a script or a to-do list—it’s about diving in and recognizing what our anger is trying to tell us. 

Minna pointed out moms are socially conditioned to be people with no needs—and that the real work around Mom Rage is becoming a person with needs, recognizing those needs, and understanding that being a “good mom” doesn’t mean putting everyone else’s needs first. 

How to Reframe Your Relationship With Your Mom Anger

Breaking away from those patterns of ignoring or sacrificing our own needs isn’t always easy. It can take a lot of inner work and self-awareness. 

But Minna believes that there are two important approaches to start with first. She calls them “inviting your rage to tea” and “rescuing your partner from enemy territory.” 

The first piece (inviting your rage to tea) is building that curiosity and reframing the way you view your own anger. You’re not an angry mom—you’re a mom with needs whose body is trying to tell you that something needs to change. 

Minna says that we can view our anger as a friend, asking it why it’s happening, where it’s coming from, and what we need that we aren’t getting.  When you can determine your underlying triggers and understand what’s happening when you feel angry, it becomes easier to recognize and advocate for your needs. 

Visualizing this conversation as tea with a friend, or journaling if that’s productive for you, can help you get to the root of your anger and stop viewing it as an inherently bad thing.

The second piece (rescuing our partner from enemy territory) involves recognizing your physical indicators of anger. We all have physical signs that we are starting to get angry (for example, moving our hands or talking louder or at a different pitch or speed).

It’s important to have safe spaces where we can discuss maternal anger without fear of judgment. 

Nobody wants to be told by their partner that they need to calm down or are starting to get angry. But we can remove the enemy aspect and put our partner on our team to help us recognize our indicators. 

Minna recommends working with your partner to identify those early indicators and establishing a code word that serves as a reminder to check in with yourself, your emotions, and your body.  

Finally, Minna recommends finding people you can be vulnerable with and open up about your struggles, your anger, and your experiences, whether it’s your partner, a friend, or a mental health provider who is trained in the nuance of motherhood. 

It’s important to have safe spaces where we can discuss maternal anger without fear of judgment. 

‍If you’re in need of a judgment-free space, our mom therapists understand the nuances of anger in motherhood and are here to help! Book a FREE 15 minute virtual consult today!