Erica's New Book Releasing the Mother Load is coming out April 9th! Pre-order your copy today and get access to the presale bonuses!
LEARN MORE
Erica's New Book Releasing the Mother Load is coming out April 9th! Pre-order your copy today and get access to the presale bonuses!
LEARN MORE

February 20, 2024

July 13, 2022

Recovering From Motherhood Burnout: Holding Boundaries, Carving Out Space for Yourself, and Prioritizing Your Own Needs

E:
129
with
Erin Spahr
Licensed Therapist

What You'll Learn

  • The Difference Between Motherhood Burnout and Depression
  • Why Modern Moms Experience Burnout
  • The Relationship Between Burnout and the Invisible Load
  • How to Prioritize Tasks and Let The Rest Go
  • How to Address Burnout and the Invisible Load With Your Partner

Moms everywhere are finding themselves exhausted, buckling under the invisible load, and struggling with unrealistic expectations. All of that pressure can lead to motherhood burnout—chronic exhaustion due to the demands of being a mom. 

Today, I’m joined by maternal mental health therapist Erin Spahr to discuss motherhood burnout—from what causes it to how to recover from it.

Parenting in a Pandemic: A Foundation for Burnout

The pandemic has taken a toll on moms. Modern motherhood, fueled by unrealistic expectations, social pressures, comparison, and guilt, was already hard enough. When we added in extra labour (most of which fell to moms) and even less opportunity for breaks, moms started struggling more than ever before. 

The good news is that we have finally started to have crucial conversations about motherhood. And the more that we talk about it, the more we can dig deeper, analyze our beliefs, and find a new path in motherhood. 

That’s why I was excited to chat with Erin. She is contributing to these conversations, questioning the system that makes mothers feel like they have to be all the things all the time—leading to motherhood burnout

The Difference Between Motherhood Burnout and Depression

Erin said that the research done around motherhood burnout stems from workplace burnout. It’s characterized by three things:

  • Emotional exhaustion
  • Disconnection from children or family
  • And a loss of pleasure as a parent

In many ways, the signs of burnout overlap with symptoms of depression. That is because the two are closely linked—if left unaddressed, burnout can lead to depression. 

In many ways, the signs of burnout overlap with symptoms of depression.

But there is a distinct difference between them. Burnout is an imbalance of resources, capacity, and stress. If you find a way to increase capacity or decrease stress, the symptoms of burnout might go away. 

Depression is more long-lasting and has several factors at play, including burnout. 

Why Modern Moms Experience Burnout

In many ways, modern motherhood primes us for burnout. We are pressured to adhere to intensive mothering philosophies—believing that we must sacrifice our own needs and devote every bit of our time, energy, and resources to our children. 

Modern motherhood does not promote boundaries, space, or taking care of yourself. 

We have access to more information than ever, which comes with added pressure to be perfect, make every decision the “right” way, and function at an unattainable high level as moms. 

Many of us come into motherhood as perfectionists.

Many of us come into motherhood as perfectionists, and we might have been able to function at that level before. But once we become mothers, that is no longer sustainable. None of us can be perfect mothers, and the pressure to try to be can impact our mental health. 

Modern mothers often feel that their children’s behaviour or actions are a reflection of their success as parents. (If your child likes broccoli or sleeps through the night, that makes you a “good mom.”) This creates added pressures to do everything perfectly. 

Finally, the rise of social media has contributed to unrealistic expectations and motherhood burnout. Social media gives us distorted windows into other people’s parenting. What we see isn’t necessarily real—it’s curated. But it can make us feel like we aren’t measuring up. 

All of these factors add extra pressure on moms, leading them to compare themselves to others, experience guilt, and question themselves. But Erin believes we should be questioning the culture that has made us feel this way. 

The Relationship Between Burnout and the Invisible Load

One of the biggest contributors to motherhood burnout is the overwhelming invisible load that mothers carry. 

Erin described it as a backpack of hidden tasks—things we’re constantly worrying about, wondering, and planning for. We carry it with us everywhere, but because it’s invisible it is easy to minimize. 

This leads moms to beat themselves up for not accomplishing anything. They look around and see floors that didn’t get vacuumed, laundry that didn’t get folded, or dishes that didn’t get washed. It makes them feel like they aren’t getting anything done. 

But in reality, they are accomplishing hundreds of those invisible tasks every single day. Erin used the example of just getting your children out of the door in the morning. 

Think about every step you have to take to get there. Brushing teeth, changing diapers, monitoring pottying, making breakfast, picking up, packing bags, navigating behaviour, getting dressed, finding shoes, avoiding tantrums. Each task comes with so much hidden mental energy and requires a great deal of capacity. 

I loved Erin’s analogy of the backpack. If you would have asked me before I became a mom what motherhood would look like, I would have talked about feeding the baby, dressing the baby, going to the park—the tangible, physical motherhood tasks that I anticipated. 

But what I didn’t anticipate was the invisible weight—a weight that has expanded exponentially with each child. Nobody acknowledges that we’re lugging around an extra three times our body weight in the invisible backpack. We don’t think about who put these tasks in the bag, and we don’t talk about why moms are the ones carrying them. 

Erin also pointed out that as our children age, some of the physical labour might fade out—diaper changes, breastfeeding or bottlefeeding, getting up in the middle of the night. But those tasks get replaced with more emotional labour—talking our kids through big feelings, and then later helping them understand what’s going on in the world. 

It’s like being a project manager and a CEO and a high-level thinker, every moment of every day.

It’s highly skilled, intellectual work. We talk about “mother’s intuition” as though motherhood should come to us naturally, as though we should be able to work through the load with ease. In reality, it’s like being a project manager and a CEO and a high-level thinker, every moment of every day. 

How to Prioritize Tasks and Let The Rest Go

When we’re experiencing burnout, it can feel impossible to change the labour dynamic even in our own homes. It’s like having dozens of open tabs on a computer—but every tab feels important. 

Erin said that there are ways we can evaluate and prioritize tasks to relieve some of the stressors of motherhood. Remember that we are people—not computers. We have core values. Stick to the tasks that align with yours, and let go of the idea of being 100%. 

This can also look like setting boundaries with your children. It’s okay to not try to be everything all the time. In fact, kids can benefit by seeing us prioritize our own wellbeing and communicating our boundaries. 

It’s okay to not try to be everything all the time.

Sometimes prioritizing tasks requires flexibility. There might be days where you’re sleep deprived, extra stressed, and feeling burnout more strongly. Perhaps those days are about survival. In those times, frozen pizza for dinner can suffice. 

Other days we might be able to accomplish different tasks. Maybe a home cooked meal comes when we’re feeling well-rested and supported. 

We can also get into the practice of asking ourselves where the expectations and pressures are coming from—who opened this tab, and is it actually important, or is it just junk mail? Maybe you don’t care about extracurricular activities or making Pinterest-worthy Valentines. Pay attention to what feels right to you. 

Acknowledge that you can’t do everything. You can’t be everything for your children. And you can’t create happiness for them. Your goal is to build relationships, security, and trust with your children—not to facilitate their happiness. 

Ultimately, remember that the “good enough” mother is enough. Sometimes we have to make choices, and all we can do is balance the needs of the family as best we can. Our children’s childhoods won’t be broken because they didn’t get to play piano or because they had a store-bought cake for their birthday. 

How to Address Burnout and the Invisible Load With Your Partner

Carrying the load by yourself can lead to resentment. We were socialized into these roles—dads aren’t incapable of taking on that labour. They, like moms, have been given messages about their expectations as a parent. 

It can feel like more of a mental burden to communicate the invisible load to your partner, and that can be frustrating. Many moms feel like they have to “parent” their partners. 

But these conversations are worth having. If we don’t address it, the resentment will continue to grow. The first step is to put it all out there with our partners—have conversations about the invisible load, how it’s impacting us, and how to shift it fairly. 

If we don’t address it, the resentment will continue to grow.

These conversations take a lot of unlearning. The invisible load is hidden, which means it might take some time for everyone to see it. Even in households where partners value equality, moms are doing the bulk of the work once kids come along. But often, dads don’t even realize that. They might believe they are carrying their fair share, or that they are doing better than their fathers did. 

That’s why ongoing conversations need to happen. 

Erin also pointed out that when we start to share tasks with our partners, we need to hand them over in their entirety. If your partner plans to take the kids to the park so you get time to yourself, don’t pack the bag for them or give them instructions. Let them figure things out on their own and troubleshoot whatever happens along the way. 

If that’s difficult for you, start with low-stakes tasks. Maybe planning a birthday party feels too big to let go of at first, but handing off dinner a few times a week might be easier. The load doesn’t get shifted overnight, so take the time to work through the discomfort of letting go. 

Sometimes maternal gatekeeping can arise when we feel like we can’t trust our partners to do tasks the “right” way. To avoid this issue, come together and discuss the standards of the task in a way that feels good for everyone. Remember that your partner will have their own way of doing things, and that’s okay. Trust is earned, but we also have to learn how to give trust. 

If you’re struggling with resentment toward your partner and don’t know how to open the lines of communication, our Unpacking Resentment Workshop can help! Register now to learn why you’re resentful, what your needs are, and how to talk about them in a productive way.

NEWSLETTER

Subscribe to our newsletter and stay updated.
Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
Tags:

Motherhood burnout

Stage:

Postpartum, Motherhood

Share Now:

OUR GUEST

Erin Spahr
Licensed Therapist

Erin is a licensed therapist in private practice located in Raleigh, North Carolina. She specializes in helping mothers navigate the complex transition to motherhood.

Erin uses a feminist lens in her work with mothers and strives to help mothers free themselves from oppressive societal expectations and find more self-compassion.

She is married and is a mother of 2 boys, ages 9 and 4.

Erica Djossa
Erica Djossa
PMH-C | Founder of Momwell
Erica is the founder of Momwell, providing educational resources and virtual therapy for moms. She is a mom of three boys and a registered psychotherapist. Erica’s work has been featured in the Toronto Star, Breakfast Television, Scary Mommy, Medium, Pop Sugar, and Romper. how they want it.
RELATED ARTICLES
March 25, 2024
March 20, 2024
How Partners Can Share in the Invisible Load and Reduce Mental Labour for Moms
E:
217
with
Zach Watson
Content Creator and Invisible Labor Educator for Men
March 18, 2024
March 6, 2024
Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts About Baby: The Role of Stress, Anxiety, and Anger
E:
215
with
Dr. Caroline Boyd
Clinical Psychologist
March 25, 2024
February 28, 2024
How to Embrace Career Change as a Mom: Finding Your Passion and Overcoming Guilt
E:
214
with
Jess Galica
Career and Leadership Coach, Best-Selling Author
March 11, 2024
February 14, 2024
Rekindling Your Sex Life After Baby: Communication Is Key
E:
212
with
Vanessa & Xander Marin
bestselling authors & hosts of the podcast Pillow Talks
February 26, 2024
January 31, 2024
Postpartum Rage vs. Parental Anger: How Social Expectations Create Overwhelmed Moms
E:
210
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder and CEO of Psyched Mommy, licensed clinical psychologist
February 20, 2024
January 24, 2024
You’re Not an Angry Mom: Why We Experience Mom Rage (and What We Can Learn From It)
E:
209
with
Minna Dubin
Author of Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood
February 20, 2024
January 17, 2024
What Causes Mommy Brain? The Role of the Invisible Load on Forgetfulness and Brain Fog
E:
208
with
Dr. Jodi Pawluski
neuroscientist, psychotherapist and author
February 20, 2024
January 3, 2024
How Parents Can Avoid Information Overload: Maintaining Confidence in Our Decision-Making
E:
206
with
Cara Goodwin
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
December 6, 2023
Navigating Different Sex Drives in Parenthood: What Impacts Libido and How to Reconnect
E:
202
with
Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy & Dr. Jennifer Vencill
Licensed Psychologists and Authors
February 20, 2024
November 29, 2023
Prioritizing the Invisible Load of Motherhood: Valuing Our Own Time and Letting Go of Mental Labor
E:
201
with
Whitney Casares
Founder and CEO of Modern Mommy Doc
February 20, 2024
November 22, 2023
Erica’s Husband Reflects on Sharing the Invisible Load
E:
200
with
Frenel Djossa
Erica’s Husband & Co-Founder of Momwell
February 20, 2024
November 15, 2023
Breaking Generational Trauma Cycles: Healing Our Past and Moving Forward in Motherhood
E:
199
with
Dr. Mariel Buqué
Psychologist and the author of the book Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma
February 20, 2024
November 8, 2023
Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Perfectionism? Reframing the Concept of “Perfect” in Motherhood
E:
198
with
Katherine Morgan Schafler
Psychotherapist and author
February 20, 2024
November 1, 2023
Breaking Out of the Default Parent Role: How to Communicate with Your Partner and Change Patterns
E:
197
with
Erin & Stephen Mitchell
Founders of Couples Counseling for Parents
February 20, 2024
October 18, 2023
Rebuilding Connection and Intimacy After Baby: How Family Systems Can Help Us Navigate Relationship Challenges
E:
195
with
Aaron Steinberg
Co-Founder of Babyproofing Your Relationship
February 20, 2024
October 11, 2023
Embracing the 7 Types of Rest: Why Moms Are Exhausted and What Actually Helps
E:
194
with
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith
Board-Certified internal medicine physician and award-winning author
February 20, 2024
October 4, 2023
Interpreting Newborn Hunger Cues and Sleepy Signs: How to Learn Your Baby’s Needs
E:
193
with
Sharon Mazel
Author of Bite-Sized Parenting: Your Baby’s First Year
February 20, 2024
September 27, 2023
Understanding Overfunctioning in Relationships: How to Change Dynamics After Baby
E:
192
with
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Expert
February 20, 2024
September 20, 2023
Managing Mom Anxiety: Why Millennial Moms Are So Anxious and How to Overcome Our Fears
E:
191
with
Dr. Lauren Cook
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
September 13, 2023
Embracing Power as Moms: Reshaping Dynamics In and Out of the Home
E:
190
with
Claire Shipman
NYT Bestselling Author
February 20, 2024
September 6, 2023
How to Raise Confident Kids: Breaking Cycles of Negative Self-Esteem
E:
189
with
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe
Founder of The North Star Developmental Clinic
February 20, 2024
August 23, 2023
Understanding Sensory Self-Care: How Overstimulated Moms Can Regulate and Regain Calm
E:
187
with
Holly Peretz
Pediatric Occupational Therapist
February 20, 2024
August 16, 2023
Navigating Matrescence: The Roller Coaster of Becoming a Mom
E:
186
with
Dr. Catherine Birndorf
Co-Founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Center of New York
February 20, 2024
July 26, 2023
The Journey of a Bereaved Parent: Stefania Thomson’s Story of Navigating Grief and Loss
E:
183
with
Stefania Thomson
Bereavement and Grief Advocate
February 20, 2024
June 21, 2023
Myths About Toddler Behavior: How to Reclaim the "Terrible Twos"
E:
178
with
Dr. Cathryn Tobin
Pediatrician
February 20, 2024
June 14, 2023
The Invisible Load of Fatherhood: How Dads Can Challenge Gender Norms and Become More Involved
E:
177
with
Dr. Singley
Psychologist and Director of The Center for Men’s Excellence
February 20, 2024
March 29, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 2: Facing Pregnancy After a Traumatic Birth
E:
166
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
February 20, 2024
March 22, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 1: How Birth Trauma Impacts Our Family Decision Making
E:
165
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
February 20, 2024
March 15, 2023
Real Self-Care for Moms: Why Mindset Matters More Than Massages
E:
164
with
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
February 22, 2023
Navigating Working Mom Struggles: How to Let Go of Norms, Expectations, and Guilt
E:
161
with
Mary Beth Somich
Mental Health Counselor
February 20, 2024
February 8, 2023
Overcoming Mom Guilt: Rewriting the Motherhood Contract and Charting Your Own Path
E:
159
with
Libby Ward
Founder of Diary of an Honest Mom
February 20, 2024
December 28, 2022
Coping During Postpartum with No Family Support: When Reality Clashes with Expectations
E:
153
with
Emmalee Bierly and Jennifer Chaiken
Founders of ShrinkChicks
February 20, 2024
December 14, 2022
Navigating Career and Motherhood: Approaching Maternity Leave with Confidence
E:
151
with
Allison Venditti
Founder of Moms at Work
February 20, 2024
November 23, 2022
The Mental Load of Motherhood: How to Address the Imbalance of Household Labour
E:
148
with
Gemma Hartley
Journalist and Author
February 20, 2024
November 16, 2022
Surviving the Baby Witching Hour: How to Cope With Colicky and Fussy Babies
E:
147
with
Dr. Whitney Casares
Pediatrician
February 20, 2024
November 2, 2022
How To Deal With Toxic Positivity As a Mom: What To Do When Someone Invalidates Your Feelings
E:
145
with
Whitney Goodman
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
October 19, 2022
Returning to Work After Maternity Leave: Navigating the Emotions, Difficulties, and Challenges
E:
143
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
October 12, 2022
How to Know if You Have Postpartum Anxiety: Red Flags to Watch for in Pregnancy, Birth, and After Baby
E:
142
with
Dr. Sarah Oreck
Reproductive Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
October 5, 2022
Protecting Maternal Sleep: The Relationship Between Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum Depression
E:
141
with
Dr. Nicole Leistikow
Reproductive Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
February 20, 2024
September 21, 2022
Encouraging Independent Play: Why Unstructured Play Matters and How to Foster It
E:
139
with
Susie Allison
Founder of Busy Toddler
February 20, 2024
September 14, 2022
Dividing Labour Fairly in the Home: Redistributing the Mental Load of Motherhood
E:
138
with
Dr. Darcy Lockman
Author and Psychologist
February 20, 2024
August 31, 2022
Why Does a Messy House Give Me Anxiety? How to Stress Less About Cleaning and Keep Your House Functioning
E:
136
with
KC Davis
@domesticblisters on TikTok and Founder of Struggle Care
February 20, 2024
August 3, 2022
Overcoming Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: Why Support Matters and How to Find Resources to Help
E:
132
with
Dr. Wendy Davis
Executive Director of PSI
February 20, 2024
July 27, 2022
Overcoming Working Mom Guilt: Why Moms Should Never Be Ashamed to Be Ambitious
E:
131
with
Lara Bazelon
Law Professor and Author
February 20, 2024
February 16, 2022
What is Matrescence? The Transition into Motherhood (And Why Being a New Mom is Hard)
E:
108
with
Dr. Katayune Kaeni
Perinatal Psychologist
February 20, 2024
February 9, 2022
How to Prepare Your Dog for a New Baby: Planning, Introducing, and Keeping Everyone Safe
E:
107
with
Dominika Knossalla
Certified Dog Trainer
February 20, 2024
February 2, 2022
Discover Your Personal Core Values
E:
106
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
January 26, 2022
When Mommy Rage Strikes: How to Prevent and Control the Anger
E:
105
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
February 20, 2024
January 5, 2022
Sleep Training Doesn't Have To Be Scary
E:
102
with
Dr. Aubrie DeBear
Founder of Baby Sleep Dr.
February 20, 2024
January 19, 2022
Carrying the Mental Load: How to Redistribute the Burden and Give Moms More Freedom
E:
104
with
Eve Rodsky
New York Times Bestselling Author
February 20, 2024
January 12, 2022
Baby Blues vs. Postpartum Depression: How to Spot the Signs So You Can Seek Support
E:
103
with
Dr. Kristina Deligiannidis
Reproductive Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
December 29, 2021
Decluttering: The Secret of an Easy to Tidy Home
E:
101
with
Katy Wells
Declutter Expert
February 20, 2024
December 22, 2021
100th Episode: Erica’s Husband Tells All
E:
100
with
Frenel Djossa
February 20, 2024
December 15, 2021
The Pressure to Get It Right
E:
99
with
Dr. Jen Douglas
Psychologist
February 20, 2024
December 8, 2021
Learning to Fight Fair
E:
98
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
December 1, 2021
The One and Done Family
E:
97
with
Renee Reina, Ph.D.
Founder of The Mom Room
February 20, 2024
November 24, 2021
Overcoming Gender Disappointment
E:
96
with
Dr. Renée Miller
Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
November 17, 2021
Adding a Sibling to Your Family
E:
95
with
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
November 10, 2021
Regulating Your Nervous System
E:
94
with
Dr. Quincee Gideon
Psychologist
February 20, 2024
October 20, 2021
Social Justice Parenting
E:
91
with
Dr. Traci Baxley
Author