It’s Anxiety Week - Save 20% on our Managing Postpartum Anxiety course with code anxiety20.
LEARN MORE
It’s Anxiety Week - Save 20% on our Managing Postpartum Anxiety course with code anxiety20.
LEARN MORE

February 20, 2024

July 27, 2022

Overcoming Working Mom Guilt: Why Moms Should Never Be Ashamed to Be Ambitious

E:
131
with
Lara Bazelon
Law Professor and Author

What You'll Learn

  • Why the Idea of “Balance” Is Unrealistic
  • How Intensive Mothering Creates Added Pressures for Working Moms
  • Why It’s Important to Find Your Own Path in Motherhood
  • The Role Gender Bias Plays in Motherhood Expectations
  • How to Overcome Working Mom Guilt
  • The First Step to Reclaiming Your Ambition as a Working Mom

Overcoming working mom guilt isn’t easy. Intensive mothering ideals, the perfect mother myth, and social expectations tell us that we should put ourselves on the backburner and always put our children first. 

But moms can embrace fulfillment outside of motherhood, thriving in their careers and showing their children that it’s okay to prioritize themselves. Lara Bazelon, law professor and author of Ambitious Like a Mother, joins us to discuss mom life balance and overcoming working mom guilt.

Grieving the Loss of My Identity

When I became a mother, I lost myself in so many ways. I’m fortunate to live in a country with paid maternity leave, and I was grateful that I got to stay home during the postpartum period. 

But I found myself struggling. 

Each day, I watched my husband get dressed in his real clothes and head out to pursue his career, ready to conquer work achievements, eat lunch with his colleagues, and challenge himself. 

I looked at myself, covered in spit-up, surrounded by bouncers and swings and diapers, microwaving my coffee and eating granola bars on the fly as I tried to take care of my babies. 

I found myself mourning the loss of the life I once had.

I found myself mourning the loss of the life I once had. My identity had changed overnight. Everything that had once been important to me now had to be on the backburner. 

I was jealous of my husband’s freedom. And I was ready to go back to work. 

I value care work and respect moms who stay at home to raise their children. I just knew that I wanted something different. I wanted something outside of motherhood. I wanted to get dressed in my real clothes, eat lunch with my colleagues, and challenge myself. 

And yet…a little voice inside my head told me that I shouldn’t want that—that I should be fulfilled by being at home with my kids. 

Intensive mothering ideology tells us that motherhood should be everything—that we should put our own needs on the backburner and focus all of our energy on our kids. 

So even when moms do return to the workforce, they often find themselves battling working mom guilt—they feel like failures for being away from their children, guilty when they prioritize their careers, and pressure to balance work and still be “perfect” moms. 

It took a lot of unlearning for me to realize that it was okay to want a role for myself that was different—that it was okay to want to forge my career path and be driven by something beyond motherhood. 

When I heard about Lara Bazelon’s book, the title jumped out at me—Ambitious Like a Mother. I couldn’t wait to chat with her about ambition, working mom guilt, and the search for fulfillment outside of motherhood. 

Why the Idea of “Balance” Is Unrealistic

I often hear from my clients who are working moms that they feel like they are failing at both work and motherhood—they are torn in so many directions and have trouble keeping up with everything. 

That is something Lara understands. When she returned to her job as a lawyer after becoming a mom, people would often ask her how she did it all and how she balanced everything. 

But she actually felt out of balance. Lara describes being a working mom like a seesaw—it’s never going to be a perfect balance, and that’s okay. 

Being a working mom like a seesaw—it’s never going to be a perfect balance, and that’s okay.

Moms are told they need to balance everything, but they are also expected to be moms first, often sacrificing career ambitions. That same pressure doesn’t apply to dads. Dads aren’t expected to put their careers on the backburner for their children. 

This is just one of many double standards and gender norms that moms face. We hold ourselves to an impossible standard that is fed to us by society, social media, and even our own upbringing. 

We’re taught that being a good mom means being present constantly, being always  “on,” and tending to our child’s every need. 

But the reality is that being a working mom is messy. Sometimes your kids pop up on Zoom meetings. Sometimes you miss a game or a recital.

Being a working mom means sometimes work takes priority. Lara believes moms shouldn’t be ashamed of that. She also believes that if we redefine our expectations rather than searching for a perfect balance, we can find more happiness in work and at home. 

How Intensive Mothering Creates Added Pressures for Working Moms

But redefining those expectations is easier said than done. The majority of us have been socialized into an intensive mothering ideology—a set of beliefs and expectations that moms must be the primary nurturers and caregivers at all times. 

Lara points out that we have been conditioned to think that there is something feminine about changing diapers, preparing food, setting up playdates, and carrying the mental labour in the home. If we aren’t the ones to do those things, we think there’s something wrong with us. 

But it shouldn’t have to be that way—much of the labour in the home can be done by somebody else. Lara also pointed out that not every task in the home is fulfilling—plenty of it is dull and boring. 

This idea that every moment is precious—every second of motherhood is sand through an hourglass you’re never getting back can be harmful. It makes us feel as though we must constantly be present, and if we miss any of those precious moments we’re “bad moms.” 

Lara encountered that feeling many times when she would show up to school events on her lunch break from work, bringing a store-bought dessert and showing up in a suit. 

She would look around and wonder if she was doing something wrong—telling herself that if she was a good mother, she wouldn’t be late, she would show up with something homemade, and she would stay and socialize with the other moms instead of going back to the office. 

But she had to reframe that way of thinking. The effort we put into our careers matters—it takes hard work, skill, dedication, and ambition. Our commitment to work doesn’t make us bad moms. 

Lara believes that if you are the type of mom who wants a career, who aches for something outside of motherhood, then that commitment actually makes you the best mom you can be, giving you the chance to fulfill your passions and contribute to the world. 

Why It’s Important to Find Your Own Path in Motherhood

She was quick to point out that there’s nothing wrong with staying at home if you can afford to and that is what makes you happy. The trouble comes in when we aren’t able to make the choices that align with our values. 

Instead of engaging in mommy wars and belittling other moms’ choices, we should all realize that we are pawns in a culture war that tells us there is only one right way to be a mother.

We are pawns in a culture war that tells us there is only one right way to be a mother.

There are plenty of moms out there who are breaking the mould and embracing motherhood in their own ways. Those of us who want to mother differently can look to them as examples. We can embrace diversity in motherhood. 

We can also give permission to other mothers to do it differently. This is why Lara is open with her law students about being a working mom. She wants to normalize the struggle of motherhood and show her students that there are many paths available to them—both in their careers and in their families. 

It also benefits our children when we live in a way that fulfills us. If we sacrifice our careers just because we think we should, there can be a certain level of unhappiness and resentment that our children pick up on. But if we take care of ourselves and live a life that feels right to us, we set the example that prioritizing yourself is important. 

When we carve out our own paths as mothers, rather than living based on social expectations, it has a ripple effect on everyone around us. 

The Role Gender Bias Plays in Motherhood Expectations

Lara often shares a story that causes people to raise their eyebrows at her. She missed her daughter’s 7th birthday. She had to travel to try a case. When she told her husband, he urged her to ask the judge to move the date. 

But she knew that her daughter would have other birthdays, but her client only had one shot. Moving ahead was her client’s best chance of winning. So she chose to prioritize work in that particular situation. 

Many people balk when she tells this story—but she points out that if it were her husband, nobody would bat an eye. 

Gender norms tell us that moms must be there for their children always, but it doesn’t do the same for dads. 

When moms choose to combat gender norms and unlearn the expectations they have been given, it can cause conflict if their partners are not on the same page. It takes unlearning on both sides.

The basic, mundane, boring parts of life matter.

Lara pointed out that the basic, mundane, boring parts of life matter. We should try to have conversations before we have children about what the day-to-day responsibilities of life will look like, including whose career will take priority after we have kids. We should talk about it through the lens of gender bias as well. 

We won’t always stick to what we visualize, but at least we will go into parenthood knowing that there are larger forces, including gender bias, at play in our decisions. 

How to Overcome Working Mom Guilt

Lara said that the hardest part of life as a working mom is the guilt. We are made to believe that we are doing the wrong thing if we find fulfillment outside of our roles as mothers. The inner voice of guilt can be hard to silence. 

One of the ways to overcome this working mom guilt is to keep everything in perspective on both sides. If you miss one meeting at work, it doesn’t mean your career is over. But this applies on the other side as well—if you miss some soccer games or recitals, your children won’t feel abandoned. 

Studies have shown it is the quality that matters—not the quantity.

Studies have shown that when it comes to time with our kids, it is the quality that matters—not the quantity. Your physical presence isn’t required at all times in order to form strong, secure bonds with your children and make them feel loved. Connecting one-on-one and having bonding experiences matters more than the amount of hours you spend with your children. 

Through the course of her work, Lara interviewed many adults who said that their moms worked and often missed practices and games. But they still most often said that their mom was the person they were closest to. 

What they remembered wasn’t the missed moments—it was the strength, resilience, independence, and passion their moms displayed. 

This is an important reframe for working moms. No one missed event, or even several missed events, will break your attachment with your child. Your relationship is not formed on the sidelines of a soccer game or at a school party—it’s formed from being there for your child, helping them work through big moments and big emotions in their lives, and supporting them with safety and security. 

Mom guilt polices us, pushing us back into the intensive mothering ideologies and the belief in the perfect mother myth. But when we can start to reframe the way we think about the bonds with our children, we can realize that we don’t have to be perfect. 

There might not ever be an absence of guilt, but we can learn to support ourselves, think about where the messages that cause us to feel guilty come from, and give ourselves compassion as we work through those feelings. 

The First Step to Reclaiming Your Ambition as a Working Mom

Lara is a firm believer that moms should be ambitious in their careers if they feel pulled to work. But many moms hesitate to label themselves as “ambitious.” She wants us to destigmatize the idea that it’s wrong for women to be ambitious. 

Ambition doesn’t mean we are selfish. It doesn’t mean that we’re full of ourselves. It just means that we strive for excellence, that we strive to be better.

Ambition means that we strive for excellence, that we strive to be better.

Lara wants women to reclaim that word, to embrace that part of ourselves that strives for excellence. 

Ultimately, it comes down to uncovering what we truly want. If we have a desire to create joy outside of our homes, to achieve our potential, and make the world a better place in the process, we are ambitious. And if we want to build and develop and be ambitious in our careers, then we deserve to do that, even after we become mothers. 

Ambition doesn’t look any one particular way. You don’t have to be a working mom to embrace your ambition. It isn’t about any one path—it’s about discovering our joy, passions, and talents, and giving ourselves permission to embrace and excel in them. 

If you’re finding “balancing” it all difficult, and encountering sensory overload as a result, our Overstimulation Workshop can help! Learn how to find calmness in the chaos and be more present and connected with your family. Register now!

NEWSLETTER

Subscribe to our newsletter and stay updated.
Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
Tags:

Working mom guilt

Stage:

Postpartum, Motherhood

Share Now:

OUR GUEST

Lara Bazelon
Law Professor and Author

Lara Bazelon is a professor at the University of San Francisco School of Law where she directs the criminal and racial justice clinics. Her op-eds and essays about work, life, love, co-parenting, and motherhood have been published in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Atlantic Magazine, and Slate among other media outlets. She is the author of the legal thriller, A GOOD MOTHER, and the nonfiction books RECTIFY and AMBITIOUS LIKE A MOTHER. The mother of a 13-year-old son and an 11 year old daughter, Lara lives with her children in the Bay Area.

Erica Djossa
Erica Djossa
PMH-C | Founder of Momwell
Erica is the founder of Momwell, providing educational resources and virtual therapy for moms. She is a mom of three boys and a registered psychotherapist. Erica’s work has been featured in the Toronto Star, Breakfast Television, Scary Mommy, Medium, Pop Sugar, and Romper. how they want it.
RELATED ARTICLES
February 20, 2024
February 14, 2024
Rekindling Your Sex Life After Baby: Communication Is Key
E:
212
with
Vanessa & Xander Marin
bestselling authors & hosts of the podcast Pillow Talks
February 20, 2024
January 31, 2024
Postpartum Rage vs. Parental Anger: How Social Expectations Create Overwhelmed Moms
E:
210
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder and CEO of Psyched Mommy, licensed clinical psychologist
February 20, 2024
January 24, 2024
You’re Not an Angry Mom: Why We Experience Mom Rage (and What We Can Learn From It)
E:
209
with
Minna Dubin
Author of Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood
February 20, 2024
January 17, 2024
What Causes Mommy Brain? The Role of the Invisible Load on Forgetfulness and Brain Fog
E:
208
with
Dr. Jodi Pawluski
neuroscientist, psychotherapist and author
February 20, 2024
January 3, 2024
How Parents Can Avoid Information Overload: Maintaining Confidence in Our Decision-Making
E:
206
with
Cara Goodwin
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
December 6, 2023
Navigating Different Sex Drives in Parenthood: What Impacts Libido and How to Reconnect
E:
202
with
Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy & Dr. Jennifer Vencill
Licensed Psychologists and Authors
February 20, 2024
November 29, 2023
Prioritizing the Invisible Load of Motherhood: Valuing Our Own Time and Letting Go of Mental Labor
E:
201
with
Whitney Casares
Founder and CEO of Modern Mommy Doc
February 20, 2024
November 22, 2023
Erica’s Husband Reflects on Sharing the Invisible Load
E:
200
with
Frenel Djossa
Erica’s Husband & Co-Founder of Momwell
February 20, 2024
November 15, 2023
Breaking Generational Trauma Cycles: Healing Our Past and Moving Forward in Motherhood
E:
199
with
Dr. Mariel Buqué
Psychologist and the author of the book Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma
February 20, 2024
November 8, 2023
Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Perfectionism? Reframing the Concept of “Perfect” in Motherhood
E:
198
with
Katherine Morgan Schafler
Psychotherapist and author
February 20, 2024
November 1, 2023
Breaking Out of the Default Parent Role: How to Communicate with Your Partner and Change Patterns
E:
197
with
Erin & Stephen Mitchell
Founders of Couples Counseling for Parents
February 20, 2024
October 18, 2023
Rebuilding Connection and Intimacy After Baby: How Family Systems Can Help Us Navigate Relationship Challenges
E:
195
with
Aaron Steinberg
Co-Founder of Babyproofing Your Relationship
February 20, 2024
October 11, 2023
Embracing the 7 Types of Rest: Why Moms Are Exhausted and What Actually Helps
E:
194
with
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith
Board-Certified internal medicine physician and award-winning author
February 20, 2024
October 4, 2023
Interpreting Newborn Hunger Cues and Sleepy Signs: How to Learn Your Baby’s Needs
E:
193
with
Sharon Mazel
Author of Bite-Sized Parenting: Your Baby’s First Year
February 20, 2024
September 27, 2023
Understanding Overfunctioning in Relationships: How to Change Dynamics After Baby
E:
192
with
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Expert
February 20, 2024
September 20, 2023
Managing Mom Anxiety: Why Millennial Moms Are So Anxious and How to Overcome Our Fears
E:
191
with
Dr. Lauren Cook
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
September 13, 2023
Embracing Power as Moms: Reshaping Dynamics In and Out of the Home
E:
190
with
Claire Shipman
NYT Bestselling Author
February 20, 2024
September 6, 2023
How to Raise Confident Kids: Breaking Cycles of Negative Self-Esteem
E:
189
with
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe
Founder of The North Star Developmental Clinic
February 20, 2024
August 23, 2023
Understanding Sensory Self-Care: How Overstimulated Moms Can Regulate and Regain Calm
E:
187
with
Holly Peretz
Pediatric Occupational Therapist
February 20, 2024
August 16, 2023
Navigating Matrescence: The Roller Coaster of Becoming a Mom
E:
186
with
Dr. Catherine Birndorf
Co-Founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Center of New York
February 20, 2024
July 26, 2023
The Journey of a Bereaved Parent: Stefania Thomson’s Story of Navigating Grief and Loss
E:
183
with
Stefania Thomson
Bereavement and Grief Advocate
February 20, 2024
June 21, 2023
Myths About Toddler Behavior: How to Reclaim the "Terrible Twos"
E:
178
with
Dr. Cathryn Tobin
Pediatrician
February 20, 2024
June 14, 2023
The Invisible Load of Fatherhood: How Dads Can Challenge Gender Norms and Become More Involved
E:
177
with
Dr. Singley
Psychologist and Director of The Center for Men’s Excellence
February 20, 2024
March 29, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 2: Facing Pregnancy After a Traumatic Birth
E:
166
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
February 20, 2024
March 22, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 1: How Birth Trauma Impacts Our Family Decision Making
E:
165
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
February 20, 2024
March 15, 2023
Real Self-Care for Moms: Why Mindset Matters More Than Massages
E:
164
with
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
February 22, 2023
Navigating Working Mom Struggles: How to Let Go of Norms, Expectations, and Guilt
E:
161
with
Mary Beth Somich
Mental Health Counselor
February 20, 2024
February 8, 2023
Overcoming Mom Guilt: Rewriting the Motherhood Contract and Charting Your Own Path
E:
159
with
Libby Ward
Founder of Diary of an Honest Mom
February 20, 2024
December 28, 2022
Coping During Postpartum with No Family Support: When Reality Clashes with Expectations
E:
153
with
Emmalee Bierly and Jennifer Chaiken
Founders of ShrinkChicks
February 20, 2024
December 14, 2022
Navigating Career and Motherhood: Approaching Maternity Leave with Confidence
E:
151
with
Allison Venditti
Founder of Moms at Work
February 20, 2024
November 23, 2022
The Mental Load of Motherhood: How to Address the Imbalance of Household Labour
E:
148
with
Gemma Hartley
Journalist and Author
February 20, 2024
November 16, 2022
Surviving the Baby Witching Hour: How to Cope With Colicky and Fussy Babies
E:
147
with
Dr. Whitney Casares
Pediatrician
February 20, 2024
November 2, 2022
How To Deal With Toxic Positivity As a Mom: What To Do When Someone Invalidates Your Feelings
E:
145
with
Whitney Goodman
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
October 19, 2022
Returning to Work After Maternity Leave: Navigating the Emotions, Difficulties, and Challenges
E:
143
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
October 12, 2022
How to Know if You Have Postpartum Anxiety: Red Flags to Watch for in Pregnancy, Birth, and After Baby
E:
142
with
Dr. Sarah Oreck
Reproductive Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
October 5, 2022
Protecting Maternal Sleep: The Relationship Between Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum Depression
E:
141
with
Dr. Nicole Leistikow
Reproductive Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
February 20, 2024
September 21, 2022
Encouraging Independent Play: Why Unstructured Play Matters and How to Foster It
E:
139
with
Susie Allison
Founder of Busy Toddler
February 20, 2024
September 14, 2022
Dividing Labour Fairly in the Home: Redistributing the Mental Load of Motherhood
E:
138
with
Dr. Darcy Lockman
Author and Psychologist
February 20, 2024
August 31, 2022
Why Does a Messy House Give Me Anxiety? How to Stress Less About Cleaning and Keep Your House Functioning
E:
136
with
KC Davis
@domesticblisters on TikTok and Founder of Struggle Care
February 20, 2024
August 3, 2022
Overcoming Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: Why Support Matters and How to Find Resources to Help
E:
132
with
Dr. Wendy Davis
Executive Director of PSI
February 20, 2024
July 27, 2022
Overcoming Working Mom Guilt: Why Moms Should Never Be Ashamed to Be Ambitious
E:
131
with
Lara Bazelon
Law Professor and Author
February 20, 2024
February 16, 2022
What is Matrescence? The Transition into Motherhood (And Why Being a New Mom is Hard)
E:
108
with
Dr. Katayune Kaeni
Perinatal Psychologist
February 20, 2024
February 9, 2022
How to Prepare Your Dog for a New Baby: Planning, Introducing, and Keeping Everyone Safe
E:
107
with
Dominika Knossalla
Certified Dog Trainer
February 20, 2024
February 2, 2022
Discover Your Personal Core Values
E:
106
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
January 26, 2022
When Mommy Rage Strikes: How to Prevent and Control the Anger
E:
105
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
February 20, 2024
January 5, 2022
Sleep Training Doesn't Have To Be Scary
E:
102
with
Dr. Aubrie DeBear
Founder of Baby Sleep Dr.
February 20, 2024
January 19, 2022
Carrying the Mental Load: How to Redistribute the Burden and Give Moms More Freedom
E:
104
with
Eve Rodsky
New York Times Bestselling Author
February 20, 2024
January 12, 2022
Baby Blues vs. Postpartum Depression: How to Spot the Signs So You Can Seek Support
E:
103
with
Dr. Kristina Deligiannidis
Reproductive Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
December 29, 2021
Decluttering: The Secret of an Easy to Tidy Home
E:
101
with
Katy Wells
Declutter Expert
February 20, 2024
December 22, 2021
100th Episode: Erica’s Husband Tells All
E:
100
with
Frenel Djossa
February 20, 2024
December 15, 2021
The Pressure to Get It Right
E:
99
with
Dr. Jen Douglas
Psychologist
February 20, 2024
December 8, 2021
Learning to Fight Fair
E:
98
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
December 1, 2021
The One and Done Family
E:
97
with
Renee Reina, Ph.D.
Founder of The Mom Room
February 20, 2024
November 24, 2021
Overcoming Gender Disappointment
E:
96
with
Dr. Renée Miller
Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
November 17, 2021
Adding a Sibling to Your Family
E:
95
with
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
November 10, 2021
Regulating Your Nervous System
E:
94
with
Dr. Quincee Gideon
Psychologist
February 20, 2024
October 20, 2021
Social Justice Parenting
E:
91
with
Dr. Traci Baxley
Author
February 20, 2024
October 13, 2021
Momming With ADHD
E:
90
with
Dr. Melissa Shepard
Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
February 20, 2024
October 6, 2021
Supporting NICU Moms
E:
89
with
Kristin Reinhart
Registered Social Worker
February 20, 2024
September 22, 2021
Working As A Mother
E:
87
with
Dr. Courtney Tracy
Founder of The Truth Doctor
February 20, 2024
September 8, 2021
Caring for the Postpartum Brain
E:
85
with
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
Neuroanatomist