Erica's New Book Releasing the Mother Load is coming in April! You can pre-order your copy NOW!
LEARN MORE
Erica's New Book Releasing the Mother Load is coming in April! You can pre-order your copy NOW!
LEARN MORE

July 10, 2023

April 27, 2022

Reshaping Mom Myths: Losing Your Identity in Motherhood and Transforming Your Mothering Journey

E:
118
with
Dr. Gertrude Lyons
Life Coach

What You'll Learn

  • How Dr. Gertrude Discovered the Value in Imperfection
  • Losing Your Identity in Motherhood (and Taking it Back) 
  • The Beliefs and Myths that Come With the Mother Code
  • Ways to Embrace and Engage Our Pain Instead of Avoiding It
  • How We Can Start Mothering in an Empowered Way

Do you ever feel like you’re losing your identity in motherhood? If so, you aren’t alone. Motherhood can feel all-consuming—especially when you’re carrying beliefs around it that have been prescribed to you. 

Life coach Dr. Gertrude Lyons calls those beliefs The Mother Code—the wiring given to us from family, culture, and society. She joined me to share how to see the myths of the mother code, write our own code, define motherhood for ourselves, and use it as a vehicle for transformation.

My Breakdown that Changed Everything

Coming to terms with my postpartum depression wasn’t easy—in fact, it took a full-on breakdown for me to realize that I was struggling. 

I don’t wish that crisis moment on anyone. But if I’m being honest, I’m glad it happened to me. Not only was I able to seek the help I so desperately needed, but I was also able to break free from the expectations I was clinging to around being the perfect mother

After that breakdown, everything changed for me. I transformed into a different mother, one who wasn’t striving for perfection—one who had her own definition of what motherhood looked like. 

I transformed into a different mother, one who wasn’t striving for perfection.

Of course, I would be lying if I told you it was all sunshine and rainbows now (let’s be real—motherhood is never easy). But after that, I began to look at motherhood differently–changing my beliefs, shattering myths, and carving out the role for myself. 

That transformation, that discovery that motherhood can be freeing, imperfect, and empowering, is central to the work that Dr. Gertrude does. And when I got the chance to speak with her, she had a remarkable breakthrough story of her own. 

How Dr. Gertrude Discovered the Value in Imperfection

Dr. Gertrude entered motherhood with intention. She was on a path of self-discovery and growth, along with her husband. 

But when she had her second daughter, she fell into a pattern that so many moms do—she started to lose her identity in motherhood. She halted her own growth while trying to keep her family moving forward. 

It wasn’t until she started working in the field of transformational motherhood that she began to look inward and ask herself where she had been lost along the way. 

While on a pilgrimage to Laos, observing a collection of perfectly imperfect statues, she had an epiphany—maybe there was beauty in imperfection. Maybe she could embrace it instead of fearing it. 

Maybe there was beauty in imperfection. Maybe she could embrace it instead of fearing it.

From that moment, her motherhood transformation began. Now, she works to help other moms realize that they don’t have to lose themselves in motherhood—they can use motherhood to transform into who they truly want to be. 

Losing Your Identity in Motherhood (and Taking it Back) 

Dr. Gertude believes that our traditional notions of motherhood—the “Mother Code” we’ve been given, keep us from creating motherhood for ourselves. 

We have unconscious wiring around the concept of motherhood—from our family, our upbringing, our culture, and our society. That wiring is largely built on myths–and until we dig into those myths and question them, we can’t write our own codes. 

But if we get curious and explore our wiring, we can take back control of our motherhood experience, shattering myths, making discerning decisions, and carving out our own roles as mothers. 

We can construct a genuine sense of self, looking inside for affirmation instead of elsewhere, and walking the journey of motherhood in a way that reflects who we are. 

The Beliefs and Myths that Come With the Mother Code

Dr. Gertrude has identified many myths and beliefs that accompany the Mother Code. She pointed out that rewriting the mother code isn’t about taking a list of myths and tackling it blindly, though—it’s about determining which ones you want to rewrite on your mothering journey. 

She shared that the major underlying theme with the myths that deserve a closer look is that they leave us questioning our own choices or dismissing our own emotions. When we feel ourselves doing that, it’s time to dig a little deeper! 

One of the biggest myths is that pain is to be avoided—and more specifically that a mother's pain might harm children. We don’t have a choice around pain, but we do have a choice in our suffering. 

She advocates fostering a positive relationship with pain. After all, if we care about anything, if we open up our hearts, then there will inevitably be moments of pain. But there’s beauty in pain, just as there is with joy—and you can’t have one without the other. 

In fact, Dr. Gertrude says that pain is necessary for our transformation. We’re bound to experience some pain or discomfort when we try to rewire—when we dare to do motherhood differently. As we unlearn myths that have been folded into our identity, we’re going to encounter some resistance. 

Other myths that Dr. Gertrude touched on include the idea that a mother’s job is to always put the needs of their children and spouses above themselves, and that motherhood should fulfill us completely. 

It’s ok—healthy even—to seek fulfillment outside of motherhood. When we unearth ourselves and embrace who we are, using motherhood as a vehicle for transformation instead of letting it erase our identities, we become more present, more grounded, and more fulfilled. 

Ways to Embrace and Engage Our Pain Instead of Avoiding It

Dr. Gertrude and I both had painful experiences that opened up our eyes and hearts. She mourned the time she spent losing her identity in motherhood. I wondered how much joy in motherhood I had missed out on. 

But we both agreed that our moments of pain weren’t just breakdowns—they were breakthroughs. From our pain, we let go of perfection and discovered who we wanted to be. 

Our moments of pain weren’t just breakdowns—they were breakthroughs.

It takes time and practice to build a tolerance to pain and discomfort—to let motherhood be a vehicle for change. 

Dr. Gertrude suggests starting by getting curious. Ask yourself what beliefs you have around pain, and how pain was handled in your family growing up. Acknowledge those beliefs and that relationship with pain. 

From there, you can start to build a new relationship. Trying to push the pain away fans the flame of distress. But if we try to understand our pain, it minimizes the pain and empowers us. Pain can be beautiful if we learn and grow from it. 

How We Can Start Mothering in an Empowered Way

We can choose to take our motherhood journeys in a different direction—to break away from the myths that we’ve been wired with and decide our own paths. Motherhood can be transformational and empowering, instead of all-consuming and overpowering. 

Dr. Gertrude said that the first step is awareness—begin with reading books, listening to podcasts, and finding voices that give you the language you need to identify your own values and beliefs. Open space to question cultural beliefs and think critically for yourself. 

From there, start dipping your toes into the water, acknowledging and recognizing your emotions. The goal isn’t to “fix” what you’ve been doing or turn a 180 on your motherhood journey. It’s to identify the beliefs you want to rewrite and work slowly toward doing that. 

The best thing we can do for our children is to be a model.

As Dr. Gertrude pointed out, the best thing we can do for our children is to be a model—to show them that we can think consciously and steer ourselves in the direction we choose. 

When we take back the power and rewrite our codes, it creates ripple effects, allowing us to heal ourselves, heal generations, and heal the planet. 

Ready to write your own codes and discover the mother you want to be? Check out our Motherhood Roadmap—a 5 week guided journal experience to help you discover your values, redefine your expectations of "a good mother,” and carve out your own motherhood journey. Start your Roadmap today!

NEWSLETTER

Subscribe to our newsletter and stay updated.
Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
Tags:

Losing your identity in motherhood

Stage:

Postpartum, Motherhood

Share Now:

OUR GUEST

Dr. Gertrude Lyons
Life Coach

Dr. Gertrude Lyons, Lead Faculty member, Senior Life Coach and Director of Family Programs for The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential is rewriting The Mother Code.

Dr. Lyons is a leading edge trainer and educator in human emergence, lifestyle, parenting, leadership development, career, relationship satisfaction and success, and women’s development, and through her work inspires people to take control of their own personal transformations. She has made it her mission to challenge traditional notions of mothering by facilitating raw, open conversations around mothering, womanhood, and parenthood that no one else is having.

Erica Djossa
Erica Djossa
PMH-C | Founder of Momwell
Erica is the founder of Momwell, providing educational resources and virtual therapy for moms. She is a mom of three boys and a registered psychotherapist. Erica’s work has been featured in the Toronto Star, Breakfast Television, Scary Mommy, Medium, Pop Sugar, and Romper. how they want it.
RELATED ARTICLES
December 4, 2023
November 29, 2023
Prioritizing the Invisible Load of Motherhood: Valuing Our Own Time and Letting Go of Mental Labor
E:
201
with
Whitney Casares
Founder and CEO of Modern Mommy Doc
December 4, 2023
November 22, 2023
Erica’s Husband Reflects on Sharing the Invisible Load
E:
200
with
Frenel Djossa
Erica’s Husband & Co-Founder of Momwell
November 20, 2023
November 15, 2023
Breaking Generational Trauma Cycles: Healing Our Past and Moving Forward in Motherhood
E:
199
with
Dr. Mariel Buqué
Psychologist and the author of the book Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma
December 4, 2023
November 8, 2023
Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Perfectionism? Reframing the Concept of “Perfect” in Motherhood
E:
198
with
Katherine Morgan Schafler
Psychotherapist and author
November 27, 2023
November 1, 2023
Breaking Out of the Default Parent Role: How to Communicate with Your Partner and Change Patterns
E:
197
with
Erin & Stephen Mitchell
Founders of Couples Counseling for Parents
November 13, 2023
October 18, 2023
Rebuilding Connection and Intimacy After Baby: How Family Systems Can Help Us Navigate Relationship Challenges
E:
195
with
Aaron Steinberg
Co-Founder of Babyproofing Your Relationship
November 6, 2023
October 11, 2023
Embracing the 7 Types of Rest: Why Moms Are Exhausted and What Actually Helps
E:
194
with
Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith
Board-Certified internal medicine physician and award-winning author
October 30, 2023
October 4, 2023
Interpreting Newborn Hunger Cues and Sleepy Signs: How to Learn Your Baby’s Needs
E:
193
with
Sharon Mazel
Author of Bite-Sized Parenting: Your Baby’s First Year
October 23, 2023
September 27, 2023
Understanding Overfunctioning in Relationships: How to Change Dynamics After Baby
E:
192
with
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Expert
October 16, 2023
September 20, 2023
Managing Mom Anxiety: Why Millennial Moms Are So Anxious and How to Overcome Our Fears
E:
191
with
Dr. Lauren Cook
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
October 16, 2023
September 13, 2023
Embracing Power as Moms: Reshaping Dynamics In and Out of the Home
E:
190
with
Claire Shipman
NYT Bestselling Author
October 2, 2023
September 6, 2023
How to Raise Confident Kids: Breaking Cycles of Negative Self-Esteem
E:
189
with
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe
Founder of The North Star Developmental Clinic
September 18, 2023
August 23, 2023
Understanding Sensory Self-Care: How Overstimulated Moms Can Regulate and Regain Calm
E:
187
with
Holly Peretz
Pediatric Occupational Therapist
September 12, 2023
August 16, 2023
Navigating Matrescence: The Roller Coaster of Becoming a Mom
E:
186
with
Dr. Catherine Birndorf
Co-Founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Center of New York
August 21, 2023
July 26, 2023
The Journey of a Bereaved Parent: Stefania Thomson’s Story of Navigating Grief and Loss
E:
183
with
Stefania Thomson
Bereavement and Grief Advocate
July 17, 2023
June 21, 2023
Myths About Toddler Behavior: How to Reclaim the "Terrible Twos"
E:
178
with
Dr. Cathryn Tobin
Pediatrician
July 10, 2023
June 14, 2023
The Invisible Load of Fatherhood: How Dads Can Challenge Gender Norms and Become More Involved
E:
177
with
Dr. Singley
Psychologist and Director of The Center for Men’s Excellence
April 24, 2023
March 29, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 2: Facing Pregnancy After a Traumatic Birth
E:
166
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
April 17, 2023
March 22, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 1: How Birth Trauma Impacts Our Family Decision Making
E:
165
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
April 10, 2023
March 15, 2023
Real Self-Care for Moms: Why Mindset Matters More Than Massages
E:
164
with
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist
March 28, 2023
February 22, 2023
Navigating Working Mom Struggles: How to Let Go of Norms, Expectations, and Guilt
E:
161
with
Mary Beth Somich
Mental Health Counselor
March 28, 2023
February 8, 2023
Overcoming Mom Guilt: Rewriting the Motherhood Contract and Charting Your Own Path
E:
159
with
Libby Ward
Founder of Diary of an Honest Mom
May 15, 2023
December 28, 2022
Coping During Postpartum with No Family Support: When Reality Clashes with Expectations
E:
153
with
Emmalee Bierly and Jennifer Chaiken
Founders of ShrinkChicks
May 15, 2023
December 14, 2022
Navigating Career and Motherhood: Approaching Maternity Leave with Confidence
E:
151
with
Allison Venditti
Founder of Moms at Work
May 22, 2023
October 5, 2022
Protecting Maternal Sleep: The Relationship Between Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum Depression
E:
141
with
Dr. Nicole Leistikow
Reproductive Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
May 22, 2023
September 21, 2022
Encouraging Independent Play: Why Unstructured Play Matters and How to Foster It
E:
139
with
Susie Allison
Founder of Busy Toddler
June 26, 2023
September 14, 2022
Dividing Labour Fairly in the Home: Redistributing the Mental Load of Motherhood
E:
138
with
Dr. Darcy Lockman
Author and Psychologist
July 3, 2023
August 31, 2022
Why Does a Messy House Give Me Anxiety? How to Stress Less About Cleaning and Keep Your House Functioning
E:
136
with
KC Davis
@domesticblisters on TikTok and Founder of Struggle Care
July 18, 2023
February 16, 2022
What is Matrescence? The Transition into Motherhood (And Why Being a New Mom is Hard)
E:
108
with
Dr. Katayune Kaeni
Perinatal Psychologist
July 18, 2023
February 9, 2022
How to Prepare Your Dog for a New Baby: Planning, Introducing, and Keeping Everyone Safe
E:
107
with
Dominika Knossalla
Certified Dog Trainer
July 18, 2023
February 2, 2022
Discover Your Personal Core Values
E:
106
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
August 21, 2023
January 26, 2022
When Mommy Rage Strikes: How to Prevent and Control the Anger
E:
105
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
August 21, 2023
January 5, 2022
Sleep Training Doesn't Have To Be Scary
E:
102
with
Dr. Aubrie DeBear
Founder of Baby Sleep Dr.
August 21, 2023
January 19, 2022
Carrying the Mental Load: How to Redistribute the Burden and Give Moms More Freedom
E:
104
with
Eve Rodsky
New York Times Bestselling Author
August 21, 2023
January 12, 2022
Baby Blues vs. Postpartum Depression: How to Spot the Signs So You Can Seek Support
E:
103
with
Dr. Kristina Deligiannidis
Reproductive Psychiatrist
August 21, 2023
December 29, 2021
Decluttering: The Secret of an Easy to Tidy Home
E:
101
with
Katy Wells
Declutter Expert
August 21, 2023
December 22, 2021
100th Episode: Erica’s Husband Tells All
E:
100
with
Frenel Djossa
August 21, 2023
December 15, 2021
The Pressure to Get It Right
E:
99
with
Dr. Jen Douglas
Psychologist
August 21, 2023
December 8, 2021
Learning to Fight Fair
E:
98
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
August 21, 2023
December 1, 2021
The One and Done Family
E:
97
with
Renee Reina, Ph.D.
Founder of The Mom Room
August 21, 2023
November 24, 2021
Overcoming Gender Disappointment
E:
96
with
Dr. Renée Miller
Clinical Psychologist
August 21, 2023
November 17, 2021
Adding a Sibling to Your Family
E:
95
with
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Family Therapist
August 21, 2023
November 10, 2021
Regulating Your Nervous System
E:
94
with
Dr. Quincee Gideon
Psychologist
August 21, 2023
October 20, 2021
Social Justice Parenting
E:
91
with
Dr. Traci Baxley
Author
August 21, 2023
October 13, 2021
Momming With ADHD
E:
90
with
Dr. Melissa Shepard
Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
October 6, 2021
Supporting NICU Moms
E:
89
with
Kristin Reinhart
Registered Social Worker
August 21, 2023
September 22, 2021
Working As A Mother
E:
87
with
Dr. Courtney Tracy
Founder of The Truth Doctor
August 21, 2023
September 8, 2021
Caring for the Postpartum Brain
E:
85
with
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
Neuroanatomist
August 21, 2023
August 18, 2021
Is Breastfeeding Worth Our Mental Health?
E:
82
with
Johanna Phillips
Maternal Mental Health Specialist
August 21, 2023
August 11, 2021
Exploring Mommy Wine Culture
E:
81
with
Michelle Smith
Addictions Counselor
August 21, 2023
July 28, 2021
When Treatment Becomes Trauma
E:
79
with
Dr. Quincee Gideon
Clinical Psychologist
August 21, 2023
July 21, 2021
PMS or Something More?
E:
78
with
Dr. Nichelle Haynes
Perinatal Psychiatrist
August 21, 2023
June 23, 2021
The Self-Compassionate Mother
E:
74
with
Dr. Kristin Neff
Associate Professor and Author
August 21, 2023
June 16, 2021
The Overstimulated Mommy
E:
73
with
Larissa Geleris
Occupational Therapist
August 21, 2023
June 9, 2021
Mom Brain
E:
72
with
Dr. Jodi Pawluski
Neuroscientist and Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
June 2, 2021
OCD in Postpartum And Motherhood
E:
71
with
Jenna Overbaugh
Licensed Professional Counselor
August 21, 2023
May 26, 2021
Whole Brain Mommying
E:
70
with
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
Neuroanatomist
August 21, 2023
May 19, 2021
The Perfect Mother Myth
E:
69
with
Dr. Sophie Brock
Sociologist