The short answer
Feeling like you are losing your identity in motherhood usually traces back to the beliefs you were handed about what a mother should be: wiring from family, culture, and society, largely built on myths. Until you dig into that inherited code and question it, it quietly runs your motherhood, leaving you dismissing your own emotions and doubting your own choices. Rewriting it starts with awareness, getting curious about which beliefs are actually yours, and slowly rewriting the ones that are not. Motherhood can be a vehicle for becoming who you want to be instead of a role that erases you.
Listen to Episode 118 · with Dr. Gertrude Lyons
Do you ever feel like you’re losing your identity in motherhood? If so, you aren’t alone. Motherhood can feel all-consuming—especially when you’re carrying beliefs around it that have been prescribed to you.
Life coach Dr. Lyons calls those beliefs The Mother Code—the wiring given to us from family, culture, and society. She joined me to share how to see the myths of the mother code, write our own code, define motherhood for ourselves, and use it as a vehicle for transformation.
How hitting a breaking point can change your motherhood
Coming to terms with my postpartum depression wasn’t easy—in fact, it took a full-on breakdown for me to realize that I was struggling.
I don’t wish that crisis moment on anyone. But if I’m being honest, I’m glad it happened to me. Not only was I able to seek the help I so desperately needed, but I was also able to break free from the expectations I was clinging to around being the perfect mother.
After that breakdown, everything changed for me. I transformed into a different mother, one who wasn’t striving for perfection—one who had her own definition of what motherhood looked like.
I transformed into a different mother, one who wasn’t striving for perfection.
Of course, I would be lying if I told you it was all sunshine and rainbows now (let’s be real—motherhood is never easy). But after that, I began to look at motherhood differently–changing my beliefs, shattering myths, and carving out the role for myself.
That transformation, that discovery that motherhood can be freeing, imperfect, and empowering, is central to the work that Dr. Lyons does. And when I got the chance to speak with her, she had a remarkable breakthrough story of her own.
Why is there value in imperfect motherhood?
Dr. Lyons entered motherhood with intention. She was on a path of self-discovery and growth, along with her husband.
But when she had her second daughter, she fell into a pattern that so many moms do—she started to lose her identity in motherhood. She halted her own growth while trying to keep her family moving forward.
It wasn’t until she started working in the field of transformational motherhood that she began to look inward and ask herself where she had been lost along the way.
While on a pilgrimage to Laos, observing a collection of perfectly imperfect statues, she had an epiphany—maybe there was beauty in imperfection. Maybe she could embrace it instead of fearing it.
Maybe there was beauty in imperfection. Maybe she could embrace it instead of fearing it.
From that moment, her motherhood transformation began. Now, she works to help other moms realize that they don’t have to lose themselves in motherhood—they can use motherhood to transform into who they truly want to be.
Losing Your Identity in Motherhood (and Taking it Back)
Dr. Gertude believes that our traditional notions of motherhood—the “Mother Code” we’ve been given, keep us from creating motherhood for ourselves.
We have unconscious wiring around the concept of motherhood—from our family, our upbringing, our culture, and our society. That wiring is largely built on myths–and until we dig into those myths and question them, we can’t write our own codes.
But if we get curious and explore our wiring, we can take back control of our motherhood experience, shattering myths, making discerning decisions, and carving out our own roles as mothers.
We can construct a genuine sense of self, looking inside for affirmation instead of elsewhere, and walking the journey of motherhood in a way that reflects who we are.
What is the Mother Code and what myths come with it?
Dr. Lyons has identified many myths and beliefs that accompany the Mother Code. She pointed out that rewriting the mother code isn’t about taking a list of myths and tackling it blindly, though—it’s about determining which ones you want to rewrite on your mothering journey.
She shared that the major underlying theme with the myths that deserve a closer look is that they leave us questioning our own choices or dismissing our own emotions. When we feel ourselves doing that, it’s time to dig a little deeper!
One of the biggest myths is that pain is to be avoided—and more specifically that a mother's pain might harm children. We don’t have a choice around pain, but we do have a choice in our suffering.
She advocates fostering a positive relationship with pain. After all, if we care about anything, if we open up our hearts, then there will inevitably be moments of pain. But there’s beauty in pain, just as there is with joy—and you can’t have one without the other.
In fact, Dr. Lyons says that pain is necessary for our transformation. We’re bound to experience some pain or discomfort when we try to rewire—when we dare to do motherhood differently. As we unlearn myths that have been folded into our identity, we’re going to encounter some resistance.
Other myths that Dr. Lyons touched on include the idea that a mother’s job is to always put the needs of their children and spouses above themselves, and that motherhood should fulfill us completely.
It’s ok—healthy even—to seek fulfillment outside of motherhood. When we unearth ourselves and embrace who we are, using motherhood as a vehicle for transformation instead of letting it erase our identities, we become more present, more grounded, and more fulfilled.
How can you engage your pain instead of avoiding it?
Dr. Lyons and I both had painful experiences that opened up our eyes and hearts. She mourned the time she spent losing her identity in motherhood. I wondered how much joy in motherhood I had missed out on.
But we both agreed that our moments of pain weren’t just breakdowns—they were breakthroughs. From our pain, we let go of perfection and discovered who we wanted to be.
Our moments of pain weren’t just breakdowns—they were breakthroughs.
It takes time and practice to build a tolerance to pain and discomfort—to let motherhood be a vehicle for change.
Dr. Lyons suggests starting by getting curious. Ask yourself what beliefs you have around pain, and how pain was handled in your family growing up. Acknowledge those beliefs and that relationship with pain.
From there, you can start to build a new relationship. Trying to push the pain away fans the flame of distress. But if we try to understand our pain, it minimizes the pain and empowers us. Pain can be beautiful if we learn and grow from it.
How do you start mothering in an empowered way?
We can choose to take our motherhood journeys in a different direction—to break away from the myths that we’ve been wired with and decide our own paths. Motherhood can be transformational and empowering, instead of all-consuming and overpowering.
Dr. Lyons said that the first step is awareness—begin with reading books, listening to podcasts, and finding voices that give you the language you need to identify your own values and beliefs. Open space to question cultural beliefs and think critically for yourself.
From there, start dipping your toes into the water, acknowledging and recognizing your emotions. The goal isn’t to “fix” what you’ve been doing or turn a 180 on your motherhood journey. It’s to identify the beliefs you want to rewrite and work slowly toward doing that.
The best thing we can do for our children is to be a model.
As Dr. Lyons pointed out, the best thing we can do for our children is to be a model—to show them that we can think consciously and steer ourselves in the direction we choose.
When we take back the power and rewrite our codes, it creates ripple effects, allowing us to heal ourselves, heal generations, and heal the planet.
Work with a Momwell therapist who specializes in maternal mental health.
In summary
- The beliefs we carry about motherhood are wiring from family, culture, and society, largely built on myths, and until we question them they run the show unconsciously.
- The tell that a myth deserves a closer look: it leaves you questioning your own choices or dismissing your own emotions.
- The myth that a mother's pain harms her children keeps us avoiding pain instead of learning from it. Pain is unavoidable; prolonged suffering over it is where we have choice.
- Seeking fulfillment outside motherhood is healthy, not selfish. The myths that demand total self-sacrifice and total fulfillment through mothering erase who you are.
- Change starts with awareness, then small steps: find language for your values, question inherited beliefs, and rewrite the ones you choose, not all of them at once.
Common questions
Why do I feel like I've lost my identity in motherhood?
Because motherhood arrives with prescribed beliefs, wiring from your family, culture, and society about what a mother must be. When that inherited code says a mother always puts everyone first and finds total fulfillment in the role, everything that made you *you* gets pushed to the margins. The loss of identity is real, and it is also not permanent: questioning the code is how you begin taking yourself back.
What is the Mother Code?
The Mother Code is the unconscious wiring we receive about motherhood from our upbringing, culture, and society. It is largely built on myths, like the idea that a mother's needs come last or that motherhood should fulfill her completely, and it operates in the background until we examine it. Rewriting your own code means identifying which beliefs deserve a closer look and choosing what you actually want to carry.
How do I know which motherhood beliefs to question?
Watch for the ones that leave you questioning your own choices or dismissing your own emotions. That is the signature of a myth worth digging into. You do not have to tackle a master list or overhaul your whole motherhood; the work is choosing the specific beliefs you want to rewrite on your own journey and moving toward them slowly.
Is it okay to want fulfillment outside of motherhood?
It is healthy. The myth that motherhood should completely fulfill you, and that seeking anything more is selfish, is part of the inherited code worth rewriting. When you embrace who you are and use motherhood as a vehicle for growth instead of letting it erase you, you become more present and more grounded, and you model conscious, self-directed living for your children.
What if I'm struggling, not just questioning myths?
Sometimes the weight is more than inherited beliefs. If you are in a dark place, running on empty, or suspect something like postpartum depression, that deserves real support, not just reframing. Many mothers describe their lowest moment as the turning point that got them help and changed their motherhood. Momwell's mom therapists are a place to start. Learn more about therapy for moms →
Written by
Erica Djossa
Registered Psychotherapist · CEO & Founder of Momwell
Erica Djossa is the CEO and founder of Momwell and a registered psychotherapist specializing in maternal mental health with over a decade of experience. A mother of three boys, she founded Momwell to set a standard of care for providers and ensure mom-centred, specialized mental health support at every stage of motherhood. She is a regular media contributor, featured in Time, USA Today, the Toronto Star, Cityline, and more.
Featured guest
Dr. Gertrude Lyons
Life Coach
Dr. Gertrude Lyons, Lead Faculty member, Senior Life Coach and Director of Family Programs for The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential is rewriting The Mother Code.Dr. Lyons is a leading edge trainer and educator in human emergence, lifestyle, parenting, leadership development, career, relationship satisfaction and success, and women’s development, and through her work inspires people to take control of their own personal transformations. She has made it her mission to challenge traditional notions of mothering by facilitating raw, open conversations around mothering, womanhood, and parenthood that no one else is having.
