Happy as a Mother is now Momwell. Same mission and services, different look.
LEARN MORE
Happy as a Mother is now Momwell. Same mission and services, different look.
LEARN MORE

July 17, 2023

March 9, 2022

Overfunctioning Part 2: How to Stop Overfunctioning in Relationships: Managing the Over and Underfunctioning Pattern

E:
111
with
Dr. Kathleen Smith
Licensed Therapist

What You'll Learn

  • What to Do When You Feel the Overfunctioning Pattern Begin
  • Managing Expectations as You Break the Cycle
  • Self-Regulation Tips for When Letting Go Feels Hard
  • How to Evaluate When to Stop Overfunctioning in Relationships

In last week’s blog post, we took a look at how to recognize overfunctioning—when one partner tries to control situations and do everything themselves because of their own anxiety. Today, Dr. Kathleen Smith returns for part 2—how to stop overfunctioning in relationships. 

With the right strategies, you can understand where overfunctioning comes from and how to evaluate when to stop. You can also develop the tools you need to step back and manage it, breaking the cycle and letting your partner and children become more capable.

The Need to Step Back

But when he wants to help, he has to gather up his gear, get a stool to reach the sink, then take a painstakingly long time to wash each dish. It turns what would be a three-minute task into a 20-minute ordeal. 

For a recovering perfectionist like myself, that situation can be very stressful. Not only do I need to make sure that he’s washing the dishes correctly, but I also have to let our day slow down while he helps. 

My son gains a lot from doing the dishes—confidence, self-assuredness, and a feeling of contribution to the house. So, even though I have to almost physically bite my tongue and let go, I know that it’s important to step back and just let it happen sometimes. 

I know that it’s important to step back and just let it happen sometimes.

And it isn’t just the dishes. I’ve had to develop skills to manage my desire to jump in and overfunction when my kids are fingerpainting, doing sensory activities, or anything else that might cause a mess or put a hitch in our routine. 

For many of us, managing our overfunctioning can be very difficult. Dr. Kathleen’s advice on how to stop overfunctioning in relationships is practical and doable—even for those of us who want perfection! 

What to Do When You Feel the Overfunctioning Pattern Begin

One of the first tips Dr. Kathleen has about letting go and putting an end to the overfunctioning cycle is to not go too hard on ourselves. Some of us have been building these tendencies for our entire lives. We’ve taken on the majority of the load for so long, it seems scary to let go. If we can give ourselves grace, we have a better chance of changing the pattern. 

The first step to managing overfunctioning is to build up awareness and curiosity. We have to recognize our own tendencies to jump in and control situations, and train our brains to stop and ask, “Where is this coming from? Why am I trying to control this situation?” 

That curiosity allows us to separate out situations where we need to intervene from those where we benefit from stepping back. 

We also need to learn how to tolerate discomfort. As we pull back and stop controlling situations, there might be more mess and less structure. But that isn’t always a bad thing. If those around us are gaining independence, pride, and capability, then it’s often worth the discomfort. 

If those around us are gaining independence, pride, and capability, then it’s often worth the discomfort.

Finally, we have to learn to set healthy boundaries, with others and with ourselves. Think about what you can release, and what you need to hold onto. For example, in my situation, that might look like allowing my son to wash the dishes for just ten minutes and then moving the day along. 

Managing Expectations as You Break the Cycle

Breaking the pattern of over and underfunctioning doesn’t happen overnight—not for us, and not for those around us. When we start overfunctioning, those around us often pull back and lose the motivation to do things for themselves. 

That pattern has already been established. It’s going to take some time for others to build back up their own muscles and start to take ownership. 

Be patient and resist the urge to give up and swoop in. Dr. Kathleen reminds us to hold onto our position through the adjustment period. The goal isn’t to change your partner—it’s to work as a team through an unhealthy pattern. 

Self-Regulation Tips for When Letting Go Feels Hard

For many of us, letting go and tolerating that discomfort can feel impossible. (I often feel a physical urge to swoop in and wash the dishes so they can get done better and faster.) We have to learn self-regulation techniques. 

Dr. Kathleen points out that there isn’t one magic self-regulation tool—instead, you have to spend time working to find out what works for you. 

There isn’t one magic self-regulation tool.

Traditional stress-relieving techniques, like meditation and deep breathing work for some people. Others might thrive more with mindfulness and observation—things that pull us out of the reactive part of our brains.

Humor can also be a great tool for self-regulation. My husband and I often do this—we joke around about our own over and underfunctioning tendencies, bringing them to light in a less serious way. 

Finally, just getting curious about where your discomfort is coming from can help you pull yourself out of it. As Dr. Kathleen points out, the goal doesn’t always have to be calmness. Sometimes the discomfort is a great area for personal growth. 

How to Evaluate When to Stop Overfunctioning in Relationships

It’s also important to know that overfunctioning isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, it’s a tool to help a situation. 

The key is thoughtfulness—what is the intention behind your overfunctioning? Are you trying to avoid discomfort? Or is it for growth? Is something an actual threat to your family? Or is it stemming from your anxiety? 

The key is thoughtfulness—what is the intention behind your overfunctioning?

Dr. Kathleen says to start with asking yourself what your principles or core values are as a parent. Once you define those, it’s easier to see when you start slipping into unhelpful overfunctioning patterns. 

Remember that as you evaluate what feels right to you as a parent, you have to look within. It doesn’t matter what social media or the internet says makes a “good” parent. Your personal values are a better tool for evaluation. 

Your children don’t have to sleep through the night or behave perfectly or eat all of their veggies for you to be a good parent. And if you choose something like that, a measure that you can’t control, to evaluate your own parenting, you’re setting yourself up to feel like a failure. 

If you find that your anxiety and stress are difficult to manage, seeking help can make all the difference! Our Wellness Center can connect you to a qualified mom therapist to help you work through barriers. Book a free virtual consultation today!

NEWSLETTER

Subscribe to our newsletter and stay updated.
Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
Tags:

Overfunctioning

Stage:

Postpartum, Motherhood

Share Now:

OUR GUEST

Dr. Kathleen Smith
Licensed Therapist

Dr. Kathleen Smith is a licensed therapist and author of the book Everything Isn't Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down. She is also an associate faculty member at the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Dr. Smith lives in Washington, DC with her husband and daughter.

Erica Djossa
Erica Djossa
PMH-C | Founder of Momwell
Erica is the founder of Momwell, providing educational resources and virtual therapy for moms. She is a mom of three boys and a registered psychotherapist. Erica’s work has been featured in the Toronto Star, Breakfast Television, Scary Mommy, Medium, Pop Sugar, and Romper. how they want it.
RELATED ARTICLES
September 20, 2023
September 20, 2023
Managing Mom Anxiety: Why Millennial Moms Are So Anxious and How to Overcome Our Fears
E:
191
with
Dr. Lauren Cook
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
September 18, 2023
September 13, 2023
Embracing Power as Moms: Reshaping Dynamics In and Out of the Home
E:
190
with
Claire Shipman
NYT Bestselling Author
September 18, 2023
September 6, 2023
How to Raise Confident Kids: Breaking Cycles of Negative Self-Esteem
E:
189
with
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe
Founder of The North Star Developmental Clinic
September 18, 2023
August 23, 2023
Understanding Sensory Self-Care: How Overstimulated Moms Can Regulate and Regain Calm
E:
187
with
Holly Peretz
Pediatric Occupational Therapist
September 12, 2023
August 16, 2023
Navigating Matrescence: The Roller Coaster of Becoming a Mom
E:
186
with
Dr. Catherine Birndorf
Co-Founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Center of New York
August 28, 2023
August 2, 2023
Establishing Family Values: How to Identify What Matters and Avoid Comparison
E:
184
with
Mell & Joe Hashey
Founders of Strong Family Co.
August 21, 2023
July 26, 2023
The Journey of a Bereaved Parent: Stefania Thomson’s Story of Navigating Grief and Loss
E:
183
with
Stefania Thomson
Bereavement and Grief Advocate
July 17, 2023
June 21, 2023
Myths About Toddler Behavior: How to Reclaim the "Terrible Twos"
E:
178
with
Dr. Cathryn Tobin
Pediatrician
May 22, 2023
April 26, 2023
Working Through Conflict About Growing Your Family: What to Do When Only One Partner Wants Another Baby
E:
170
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Marriage and Family Therapist
April 24, 2023
March 29, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 2: Facing Pregnancy After a Traumatic Birth
E:
166
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
April 17, 2023
March 22, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 1: How Birth Trauma Impacts Our Family Decision Making
E:
165
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
April 10, 2023
March 15, 2023
Real Self-Care for Moms: Why Mindset Matters More Than Massages
E:
164
with
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist
March 28, 2023
February 8, 2023
Overcoming Mom Guilt: Rewriting the Motherhood Contract and Charting Your Own Path
E:
159
with
Libby Ward
Founder of Diary of an Honest Mom
May 15, 2023
January 18, 2023
Resolving Conflict in Your Relationship After Baby
E:
156
with
Sheina Schochet
Mental Health Counselor
May 15, 2023
January 4, 2023
Reestablishing Sex After Baby: Why Communication Matters and How to Create a New Normal
E:
154
with
Travis Goodman
Marriage and Family Therapist
May 15, 2023
December 28, 2022
Coping During Postpartum with No Family Support: When Reality Clashes with Expectations
E:
153
with
Emmalee Bierly and Jennifer Chaiken
Founders of ShrinkChicks
May 22, 2023
October 5, 2022
Protecting Maternal Sleep: The Relationship Between Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum Depression
E:
141
with
Dr. Nicole Leistikow
Reproductive Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
May 22, 2023
September 21, 2022
Encouraging Independent Play: Why Unstructured Play Matters and How to Foster It
E:
139
with
Susie Allison
Founder of Busy Toddler
June 26, 2023
September 14, 2022
Dividing Labour Fairly in the Home: Redistributing the Mental Load of Motherhood
E:
138
with
Dr. Darcy Lockman
Author and Psychologist
July 3, 2023
August 31, 2022
Why Does a Messy House Give Me Anxiety? How to Stress Less About Cleaning and Keep Your House Functioning
E:
136
with
KC Davis
@domesticblisters on TikTok and Founder of Struggle Care
July 18, 2023
February 16, 2022
What is Matrescence? The Transition into Motherhood (And Why Being a New Mom is Hard)
E:
108
with
Dr. Katayune Kaeni
Perinatal Psychologist
July 18, 2023
February 2, 2022
Discover Your Personal Core Values
E:
106
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
August 21, 2023
January 26, 2022
When Mommy Rage Strikes: How to Prevent and Control the Anger
E:
105
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
August 21, 2023
January 5, 2022
Sleep Training Doesn't Have To Be Scary
E:
102
with
Dr. Aubrie DeBear
Founder of Baby Sleep Dr.
August 21, 2023
January 19, 2022
Carrying the Mental Load: How to Redistribute the Burden and Give Moms More Freedom
E:
104
with
Eve Rodsky
New York Times Bestselling Author
August 21, 2023
January 12, 2022
Baby Blues vs. Postpartum Depression: How to Spot the Signs So You Can Seek Support
E:
103
with
Dr. Kristina Deligiannidis
Reproductive Psychiatrist
August 21, 2023
December 29, 2021
Decluttering: The Secret of an Easy to Tidy Home
E:
101
with
Katy Wells
Declutter Expert
August 21, 2023
December 22, 2021
100th Episode: Erica’s Husband Tells All
E:
100
with
Frenel Djossa
August 21, 2023
December 15, 2021
The Pressure to Get It Right
E:
99
with
Dr. Jen Douglas
Psychologist
August 21, 2023
December 8, 2021
Learning to Fight Fair
E:
98
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
August 21, 2023
November 24, 2021
Overcoming Gender Disappointment
E:
96
with
Dr. Renée Miller
Clinical Psychologist
August 21, 2023
November 17, 2021
Adding a Sibling to Your Family
E:
95
with
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Family Therapist
August 21, 2023
November 10, 2021
Regulating Your Nervous System
E:
94
with
Dr. Quincee Gideon
Psychologist
August 21, 2023
November 3, 2021
Setting Boundaries With Moms & Mothers-In-Law
E:
93
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
August 21, 2023
October 27, 2021
Co-Parenting and Blending Families
E:
92
with
Abbey Williams
Therapist
August 21, 2023
October 20, 2021
Social Justice Parenting
E:
91
with
Dr. Traci Baxley
Author
August 21, 2023
October 13, 2021
Momming With ADHD
E:
90
with
Dr. Melissa Shepard
Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
October 6, 2021
Supporting NICU Moms
E:
89
with
Kristin Reinhart
Registered Social Worker
August 21, 2023
September 22, 2021
Working As A Mother
E:
87
with
Dr. Courtney Tracy
Founder of The Truth Doctor
August 21, 2023
September 15, 2021
Babyproofing Our Relationships
E:
86
with
Kameela Osman
Social Worker and Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
September 8, 2021
Caring for the Postpartum Brain
E:
85
with
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
Neuroanatomist
August 21, 2023
August 18, 2021
Is Breastfeeding Worth Our Mental Health?
E:
82
with
Johanna Phillips
Maternal Mental Health Specialist
August 21, 2023
August 11, 2021
Exploring Mommy Wine Culture
E:
81
with
Michelle Smith
Addictions Counselor
August 21, 2023
July 28, 2021
When Treatment Becomes Trauma
E:
79
with
Dr. Quincee Gideon
Clinical Psychologist
August 21, 2023
July 21, 2021
PMS or Something More?
E:
78
with
Dr. Nichelle Haynes
Perinatal Psychiatrist
August 21, 2023
July 14, 2021
Modeling Consent in Parenthood
E:
77
with
Jess VanderWier
Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
June 30, 2021
Sex As a Mother
E:
75
with
Dr. Sara Reardon
Physical Therapist
August 21, 2023
June 23, 2021
The Self-Compassionate Mother
E:
74
with
Dr. Kristin Neff
Associate Professor and Author
August 21, 2023
June 16, 2021
The Overstimulated Mommy
E:
73
with
Larissa Geleris
Occupational Therapist
August 21, 2023
June 9, 2021
Mom Brain
E:
72
with
Dr. Jodi Pawluski
Neuroscientist and Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
June 2, 2021
OCD in Postpartum And Motherhood
E:
71
with
Jenna Overbaugh
Licensed Professional Counselor
August 21, 2023
May 26, 2021
Whole Brain Mommying
E:
70
with
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
Neuroanatomist
August 21, 2023
May 19, 2021
The Perfect Mother Myth
E:
69
with
Dr. Sophie Brock
Sociologist
August 21, 2023
April 28, 2021
A Deeper Look into the Mother Wound
E:
66
with
Bethany Webster
Author
August 28, 2023
April 21, 2021
Making—And Keeping—Mommy Friends
E:
65
with
Dr. Miriam Kirmayer
Clinical Psychologist