Happy as a Mother is now Momwell. Same mission and services, different look.
LEARN MORE
Happy as a Mother is now Momwell. Same mission and services, different look.
LEARN MORE

July 17, 2023

March 2, 2022

Overfunctioning Part 1: Do You Overfunction in Your Relationship? Recognizing the Pattern of Over and Underfunctioning

E:
110
with
Dr. Kathleen Smith
Licensed Therapist

What You'll Learn

  • What Overfunctioning Is and How to Recognize It 
  • What Overfunctioning Looks Like in Parenting
  • How Overfunctioning Leads to Maternal Gatekeeping
  • The Relationship Between Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning

Do you find yourself being the overfunctioner in your relationship? Overfunctioning happens when you take on more than your fair share of the parenting tasks in an attempt to control or fix a situation that triggers your anxiety. It often leads to unhealthy relationship and parenting patterns, and ends up increasing the invisible load moms are carrying. 

I sat down with Dr. Kathleen Smith, therapist and author of Everything Isn't Terrible, to talk about the relationship between anxiety and overfunctioning, as well as how to overcome it. In part 1, we focus on how to recognize over and underfunctioning and why breaking the pattern is important.

(For the second part of our conversation, how to manage your overfunctioning, catch our blog post for part two!)

The Resistance to Let Go

I consider myself to be a recovering perfectionist—and that recovery hasn’t come without plenty of hard work. One of the places I find myself often wanting to exert control and make everything perfect is when my husband is dealing with tantrums or working through situations with our kids. 

That recovering perfectionist in me really wants to step in and coach him from the side on how to address the situation. I’m so afraid of there being a rupture in the relationship that I want to swoop in and protect everybody. 

I’m so afraid of there being a rupture that I want to swoop in and protect everybody.

But me intervening doesn’t help. It doesn’t help my children learn how to cope with different approaches. It doesn’t help my husband lead the kids through conflict. And it doesn’t help them form stronger bonds and deeper relationships. 

I’ve had to actively work to manage my need for control and step away, giving space for him to take ownership as a dad. 

That little voice inside me that wants to intervene, to control, is an overfunctioning pattern trying to take over. It stems from my own anxieties, my own fears, and my own beliefs. 

What Overfunctioning Is and How to Recognize It 

Through my training as a therapist, I’ve learned about many different approaches and tactics for managing anxiety. But Dr. Kathleen’s book, Everything Isn’t Terrible, really resonated with me. The way she discusses anxiety and how it manifests is so relatable and accessible. I couldn’t wait to interview her about anxiety in parenting and how to manage it. 

As Dr. Kathleen points out, we don’t experience anxiety in a vacuum—it affects those around us, and is impacted by them as well. If your partner seems anxious, your own anxiety might be triggered. In order to try to control the situation, you might remove yourself from the situation, try to fix the problem causing the anxiety, or even break down. 

But for many of us, anxious thoughts lead us to an even more extreme reaction. We try to keep everything around us stable by intervening and doing things for others that they can, and should, do for themselves. 

This is called overfunctioning, and it stems from anxiety. Dr. Kathleen says that it comes with a cost—especially when it comes to parenting. 

What Overfunctioning Looks Like in Parenting

Overfunctioning in parenting comes from an attempt to fix or calm an immediate situation. For example, if your child has a strong preference for you, and your partner tries to put them to bed, they might resist, or even melt down. 

Listening to your child cry out for you can be very triggering, and the easiest, fastest solution is for you to step in and take care of the nighttime routine yourself. 

But not only is that exhausting for the parent taking everything on, but it’s also unhelpful for the relationship between your child and the other partner. 

We often fall into a pattern of stepping in and controlling the situation.

This happens so often in parenting because we are hardwired to protect our children—we don’t want them to be upset, especially when we have the ability to fix it. So we often fall into a pattern of stepping in and controlling the situation. 

How Overfunctioning Leads to Maternal Gatekeeping

I often hear moms in my DMs asking about maternal gatekeeping. That occurs when moms become highly overprotective, to the point where they think they must be the ones to do everything. 

Moms that find themselves maternally gatekeeping might have difficulty releasing any tasks to their partner, instead taking on every night feed, diaper change, and interaction with the children. Maternal gatekeeping is essentially an extreme form of overfunctioning. 

Dr. Kathleen points out that when we want to intervene in a situation, we have to ask ourselves, “Is this really causing any harm to my child?” Our children don’t always need every obstacle removed. Sometimes, they need to experience different parenting styles, different personality types, or different approaches to conflict. 

Our children don’t always need every obstacle removed.

For example, you know your child’s quirks better than anyone. You know what will set your child off for a tantrum. But your child is going to encounter people in their lives who don’t know their preferences. It’s important for them to be able to work through that. 

Dr. Kathleen says to ask yourself, “What’s more important? Having my child experience this situation ‘perfectly’ every time? Or having multiple relationships with people who are confident and capable?”

When you put it like that, it’s a no-brainer. But it can be hard to remember in the moment. 

The Relationship Between Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning 

When stressful situations pop up for our children, our anxiety can start flaring up. We want to calm and fix the situation. 

But if we’re always smoothing everything out ourselves, we rob our partners and other family members of the chance to learn coping skills and become empowered in their relationships with our children. 

We can rob our partners of the chance to become empowered in their relationships with our children.

Overfunctioning can fix situations in the short-term, but it doesn’t help anybody become more capable. 

Often, when we can’t let go, and we step in and coach, instruct, or take over, it leads to an unhealthy pattern of overfunctioning and underfunctioning. As one partner starts taking over situations that the other person could easily handle, that second partner becomes demotivated to try to handle things themselves. 

That makes the overfunctioner in the relationship cling even more tightly. The cycle and pattern continues—and both partners are responsible for it. 

Dr. Kathleen points out though, that there isn’t always one overfunctioner in a relationship. Sometimes, we are both the underfunctioner and overfunctioner, depending on the situation. 

We all have strengths and preferences, and there’s nothing wrong with distributing labor in a way that reflects that. But we should be thoughtful about the way that we do so, and make sure that neither partner becomes incapable or resentful of the other. 

(If you are facing resentment and conflict in your relationship, don’t miss the Reconnect Bundle: How to move past unfairness in your relationship and build real connection!)

Over and Underfunctioning and Mental Health

Overfunctioning and underfunctioning are rarely deliberate. You don’t necessarily intend to take everything on yourself or put everything on your partner. There is a relationship between the way it plays out and mental health. 

You don’t necessarily intend to take everything on yourself or put everything on your partner.

For example, many of my clients suffer from extreme postpartum anxiety. They find it almost impossible to let go of even the simplest tasks. 

On the other hand, I recall during my struggle with postpartum depression that it was hard for me to motivate myself to tackle tasks. My husband ended up taking on many responsibilities while I worked through my difficulties with a therapist. 

Dr. Kathleen says that we should give ourselves grace when struggling with mental health. However, sometimes completing tasks can actually help when we’re struggling with depression, giving us a much-needed self-esteem boost! 

In times of mental health difficulties, communication with your partner is key. It’s fine for one partner to take on more for a time—just be aware of the way it happens and avoid getting locked into a pattern in the long-term. 

For more on overfunctioning, be sure to read the second part of the blog post, where we’re covering how to manage your overfunctioning and keep your anxiety in check when the temptation to jump in arises!

If you’re struggling with your mental health, don’t wait to seek help! Our Wellness Center can connect you with a mom therapist to help. Book your free virtual consultation now

NEWSLETTER

Subscribe to our newsletter and stay updated.
Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
Tags:

Overfunctioning

Stage:

Postpartum, Motherhood

Share Now:

OUR GUEST

Dr. Kathleen Smith
Licensed Therapist

Dr. Kathleen Smith is a licensed therapist and author of the book Everything Isn't Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down. She is also an associate faculty member at the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Dr. Smith lives in Washington, DC with her husband and daughter.

Erica Djossa
Erica Djossa
PMH-C | Founder of Momwell
Erica is the founder of Momwell, providing educational resources and virtual therapy for moms. She is a mom of three boys and a registered psychotherapist. Erica’s work has been featured in the Toronto Star, Breakfast Television, Scary Mommy, Medium, Pop Sugar, and Romper. how they want it.
RELATED ARTICLES
September 20, 2023
September 20, 2023
Managing Mom Anxiety: Why Millennial Moms Are So Anxious and How to Overcome Our Fears
E:
191
with
Dr. Lauren Cook
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
September 18, 2023
September 13, 2023
Embracing Power as Moms: Reshaping Dynamics In and Out of the Home
E:
190
with
Claire Shipman
NYT Bestselling Author
September 18, 2023
September 6, 2023
How to Raise Confident Kids: Breaking Cycles of Negative Self-Esteem
E:
189
with
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe
Founder of The North Star Developmental Clinic
September 18, 2023
August 23, 2023
Understanding Sensory Self-Care: How Overstimulated Moms Can Regulate and Regain Calm
E:
187
with
Holly Peretz
Pediatric Occupational Therapist
September 12, 2023
August 16, 2023
Navigating Matrescence: The Roller Coaster of Becoming a Mom
E:
186
with
Dr. Catherine Birndorf
Co-Founder and Medical Director of The Motherhood Center of New York
August 28, 2023
August 2, 2023
Establishing Family Values: How to Identify What Matters and Avoid Comparison
E:
184
with
Mell & Joe Hashey
Founders of Strong Family Co.
August 21, 2023
July 26, 2023
The Journey of a Bereaved Parent: Stefania Thomson’s Story of Navigating Grief and Loss
E:
183
with
Stefania Thomson
Bereavement and Grief Advocate
July 17, 2023
June 21, 2023
Myths About Toddler Behavior: How to Reclaim the "Terrible Twos"
E:
178
with
Dr. Cathryn Tobin
Pediatrician
May 22, 2023
April 26, 2023
Working Through Conflict About Growing Your Family: What to Do When Only One Partner Wants Another Baby
E:
170
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Marriage and Family Therapist
April 24, 2023
March 29, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 2: Facing Pregnancy After a Traumatic Birth
E:
166
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
April 17, 2023
March 22, 2023
Birth Trauma Part 1: How Birth Trauma Impacts Our Family Decision Making
E:
165
with
Kayleigh Summers
Clinical Social Worker
April 10, 2023
March 15, 2023
Real Self-Care for Moms: Why Mindset Matters More Than Massages
E:
164
with
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist
March 28, 2023
February 8, 2023
Overcoming Mom Guilt: Rewriting the Motherhood Contract and Charting Your Own Path
E:
159
with
Libby Ward
Founder of Diary of an Honest Mom
May 15, 2023
January 18, 2023
Resolving Conflict in Your Relationship After Baby
E:
156
with
Sheina Schochet
Mental Health Counselor
May 15, 2023
January 4, 2023
Reestablishing Sex After Baby: Why Communication Matters and How to Create a New Normal
E:
154
with
Travis Goodman
Marriage and Family Therapist
May 15, 2023
December 28, 2022
Coping During Postpartum with No Family Support: When Reality Clashes with Expectations
E:
153
with
Emmalee Bierly and Jennifer Chaiken
Founders of ShrinkChicks
May 22, 2023
October 5, 2022
Protecting Maternal Sleep: The Relationship Between Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum Depression
E:
141
with
Dr. Nicole Leistikow
Reproductive Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
May 22, 2023
September 21, 2022
Encouraging Independent Play: Why Unstructured Play Matters and How to Foster It
E:
139
with
Susie Allison
Founder of Busy Toddler
June 26, 2023
September 14, 2022
Dividing Labour Fairly in the Home: Redistributing the Mental Load of Motherhood
E:
138
with
Dr. Darcy Lockman
Author and Psychologist
July 3, 2023
August 31, 2022
Why Does a Messy House Give Me Anxiety? How to Stress Less About Cleaning and Keep Your House Functioning
E:
136
with
KC Davis
@domesticblisters on TikTok and Founder of Struggle Care
July 18, 2023
February 16, 2022
What is Matrescence? The Transition into Motherhood (And Why Being a New Mom is Hard)
E:
108
with
Dr. Katayune Kaeni
Perinatal Psychologist
July 18, 2023
February 2, 2022
Discover Your Personal Core Values
E:
106
with
Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
August 21, 2023
January 26, 2022
When Mommy Rage Strikes: How to Prevent and Control the Anger
E:
105
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
August 21, 2023
January 5, 2022
Sleep Training Doesn't Have To Be Scary
E:
102
with
Dr. Aubrie DeBear
Founder of Baby Sleep Dr.
August 21, 2023
January 19, 2022
Carrying the Mental Load: How to Redistribute the Burden and Give Moms More Freedom
E:
104
with
Eve Rodsky
New York Times Bestselling Author
August 21, 2023
January 12, 2022
Baby Blues vs. Postpartum Depression: How to Spot the Signs So You Can Seek Support
E:
103
with
Dr. Kristina Deligiannidis
Reproductive Psychiatrist
August 21, 2023
December 29, 2021
Decluttering: The Secret of an Easy to Tidy Home
E:
101
with
Katy Wells
Declutter Expert
August 21, 2023
December 22, 2021
100th Episode: Erica’s Husband Tells All
E:
100
with
Frenel Djossa
August 21, 2023
December 15, 2021
The Pressure to Get It Right
E:
99
with
Dr. Jen Douglas
Psychologist
August 21, 2023
December 8, 2021
Learning to Fight Fair
E:
98
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
August 21, 2023
November 24, 2021
Overcoming Gender Disappointment
E:
96
with
Dr. Renée Miller
Clinical Psychologist
August 21, 2023
November 17, 2021
Adding a Sibling to Your Family
E:
95
with
Bryana Kappadakunnel
Family Therapist
August 21, 2023
November 10, 2021
Regulating Your Nervous System
E:
94
with
Dr. Quincee Gideon
Psychologist
August 21, 2023
November 3, 2021
Setting Boundaries With Moms & Mothers-In-Law
E:
93
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
August 21, 2023
October 27, 2021
Co-Parenting and Blending Families
E:
92
with
Abbey Williams
Therapist
August 21, 2023
October 20, 2021
Social Justice Parenting
E:
91
with
Dr. Traci Baxley
Author
August 21, 2023
October 13, 2021
Momming With ADHD
E:
90
with
Dr. Melissa Shepard
Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
October 6, 2021
Supporting NICU Moms
E:
89
with
Kristin Reinhart
Registered Social Worker
August 21, 2023
September 22, 2021
Working As A Mother
E:
87
with
Dr. Courtney Tracy
Founder of The Truth Doctor
August 21, 2023
September 15, 2021
Babyproofing Our Relationships
E:
86
with
Kameela Osman
Social Worker and Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
September 8, 2021
Caring for the Postpartum Brain
E:
85
with
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
Neuroanatomist
August 21, 2023
August 18, 2021
Is Breastfeeding Worth Our Mental Health?
E:
82
with
Johanna Phillips
Maternal Mental Health Specialist
August 21, 2023
August 11, 2021
Exploring Mommy Wine Culture
E:
81
with
Michelle Smith
Addictions Counselor
August 21, 2023
July 28, 2021
When Treatment Becomes Trauma
E:
79
with
Dr. Quincee Gideon
Clinical Psychologist
August 21, 2023
July 21, 2021
PMS or Something More?
E:
78
with
Dr. Nichelle Haynes
Perinatal Psychiatrist
August 21, 2023
July 14, 2021
Modeling Consent in Parenthood
E:
77
with
Jess VanderWier
Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
June 30, 2021
Sex As a Mother
E:
75
with
Dr. Sara Reardon
Physical Therapist
August 21, 2023
June 23, 2021
The Self-Compassionate Mother
E:
74
with
Dr. Kristin Neff
Associate Professor and Author
August 21, 2023
June 16, 2021
The Overstimulated Mommy
E:
73
with
Larissa Geleris
Occupational Therapist
August 21, 2023
June 9, 2021
Mom Brain
E:
72
with
Dr. Jodi Pawluski
Neuroscientist and Psychotherapist
August 21, 2023
June 2, 2021
OCD in Postpartum And Motherhood
E:
71
with
Jenna Overbaugh
Licensed Professional Counselor
August 21, 2023
May 26, 2021
Whole Brain Mommying
E:
70
with
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
Neuroanatomist
August 21, 2023
May 19, 2021
The Perfect Mother Myth
E:
69
with
Dr. Sophie Brock
Sociologist
August 21, 2023
April 28, 2021
A Deeper Look into the Mother Wound
E:
66
with
Bethany Webster
Author
August 28, 2023
April 21, 2021
Making—And Keeping—Mommy Friends
E:
65
with
Dr. Miriam Kirmayer
Clinical Psychologist