Save 20% Off Our Scary Thoughts Workshop With Code SCARY20
REGISTER & SAVE HERE
Save 20% Off Our Scary Thoughts Workshop With Code SCARY20
REGISTER & SAVE HERE

February 20, 2024

September 15, 2021

Babyproofing Our Relationships

E:
86
with
Kameela Osman
Social Worker and Psychotherapist

What You'll Learn

Have you ever noticed every fairytale or romantic comedy ends right after the wedding? Disney didn’t show Belle or Jasmine with their 2.5 kids, because the adjustment to parenthood isn’t glamorous. New babies are snuggly and adorable, but they’re also a lot of work. Everyone tells us we need to babyproof our house, but no one tells us we need to babyproof our relationship. Or where do we even start to do that? Happy as a Mother Wellness Therapist Kameela Osman is a social worker and psychotherapist with over ten years of experience, and she’s here to help us babyproof our relationship.

Struggles In Our Relationship During The Postpartum Period

Completely babyproofing our relationship might not be realistic, but babies do impact the happiness of a relationship for a while. “It’s a 60% decline in a healthy relationship,” Kameela said. 

Before we had kids, my partner and I would say things like, “Oh, I want a baby,” but we had no idea what we were throwing ourselves into. Adding a baby to the mix was hard on our relationship, and we have a really strong foundation. I can see if there were already cracks in that foundation before the baby came, it could have divided us.

“It’s really easy to slip into thinking the grass is greener on the other side,” Kameela said. It’s easy to think I’m feeding the baby, changing the diapers, and driving to the doctor’s appointments. What are you doing? “I remember one of my pet peeves was my partner mowing the lawn. You get that hour outside and I’m inside with baby,” she said.

A lot of times we may feel unseen or unheard by our partner, because it can feel like a lot of the work of caring for baby falls on Mom. That can lead to resentment. It’s really easy to be angry, hurt, or resentful that your partner keeps their individual role, and their life doesn’t change much while you’re isolated at home caring for a newborn.

“One of the things I talk to couples about frequently is the use of affirmations,” Kameela said. We can use affirmations for our relationship the same way we use them for our individual mental health. Remind yourself of the things you like about your partner. If you have a negative thought try to follow it up with a positive one.

But it’s important to point out, you’re not talking about trying to convince yourself that an unhealthy relationship is healthy. Affirmations are a tool we can use when the logical part of our mind knows our partner contributes to the relationship, and the emotional part is ready to kick them to the curb. “It’s not your relationship. It’s not your partner. It’s just this hard,” Kameela said.

The idea of glasses or lenses can also be helpful. Am I seeing my partner through the lens of exhaustion right now? Am I seeing my partner through frustration after I’ve dealt with screaming kids for twelve hours? 

Changes In Physical Intimacy 

Taking care of a newborn is a physically and emotionally draining season of life. It will be exhausting and just plain hard, but it won’t last forever. If you feel like you need some extra help preparing yourself for it, I’ve put together a free postpartum checklist.

We go through hormonal changes after delivery and during breastfeeding that can impact our sexual desire. We may just have a lack of desire, and some women experience guilt because it’s something that their partner wants and isn’t getting. Or it may feel like a chore rather than something you can enjoy. Sex after having a baby can also hurt.

Being “touched out” and feeling like you’ve been jostled around too much, and you just want to be left alone can be a problem too. It’s hard to get in the mood for physical intimacy or even show affection when you feel little hands have been clinging to your body all day. 

When we’re not connected, it’s really hard to communicate.

“When we’re not connected, it’s really hard to communicate,” Kameela said. “It’s really hard for communication to go well.” Are we believing our own intentions more than what our partner is saying?

When communication becomes a struggle, we may also make assumptions about why they said or did something, and we may find our assumptions easier to believe than anything their explanation for why they said or did something. But for the benefit of our relationship, we really need to try to accept their reasoning and give them the benefit of the doubt.

When I find myself believing my assumptions over my partner’s words, I try to become curious about it. Through the years, I’ve learned that if I’m overly irritated with my partner, and not much about his behaviour has changed this could be an indication of my mood or anxiety level. 

By becoming curious and checking in, you might find an unmet need.

This won’t be the case for everyone, but checking in with yourself can be really helpful. Have you had a bad morning with the kids? If it’s noon and you haven’t had breakfast yet, it can be frustrating that your partner gets to have a bagel on his commute. By becoming curious and checking in, you might find an unmet need, and once you find it, you can fix it.

Partners Also Struggle With The Transition (PPD In Partner, Trauma From Birth, ETC)

1 in 5 moms will experience some sort of postpartum mood disorder like postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. “In the pandemic that has multiplied,” Kameela pointed out. But if we’re experiencing something, our partner is too in their own way.

When we experience birth trauma, our partner watches us and the baby go through it. We have moms who are under-supported, but it’s often not even acknowledged that our partner needs support. 

And if your partner is also having a hard time adjusting to parenthood, they may start to pull away from you. But if you’re already struggling and under-supported when your partner pulls away from you, it can feel like you’re losing what support you do have which just further fuels the resentment. It can become a cycle.

When your partner pulls away from you, it can feel like you’re losing what support you do have.

Couples counseling during the postpartum period can be really beneficial for mom, but really helps both partners. Kameela and I both provide this kind of support, so if you need help, reach out to Momwell Therapy Support

If you’re willing to do the work, you can build joint dreams and support each other in individual dreams. Your love can become stronger and richer, but not without conscious effort. 

This also takes a safe, secure attachment. If our relationship has already been fractured or there are fissures in the foundation of our relationship, we can’t work on deepening our relationship. We’re working to repair the fractures. 

Caring For Our Relationship During Postpartum

“How are we going to adjust?” Kameela asked. “Don’t set unrealistic expectations.” When you have a newborn, date night might be an unrealistic expectation.

We can get caught in the trap of every conversation being about the logistics of taking care of kids and a household. But make quality time together. Talking out the logistics is necessary, but you should also be able to enjoy the relationship.

We can get caught in the trap of every conversation being about the logistics.

When our partner takes things on, it can feel like we’re losing our support during postpartum, both emotionally and just the extra set of hands. “It certainly does come up. It’s often a side business or something else, or commitment to parents. I think it comes back to that communication piece,” Kameela explained.

If you or your partner are still struggling to adjust to parenthood, reach out. Help is available at Momwell Therapy Support.

NEWSLETTER

Subscribe to our newsletter and stay updated.
Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
Tags:

Relationship changes after baby

Stage:

Postpartum, Motherhood

Share Now:

OUR GUEST

Kameela Osman
Social Worker and Psychotherapist

Kameela is a social worker and psychotherapist with over 10 years of experience supporting mental, emotional, and relational wellness. She’s a mom of 2, passionate about supporting other moms and couples. Her own personal experiences in pregnancy and postpartum inspired her to become Perinatal Mental Health Certified (PMH-C). She additionally enjoys supporting couples and is trained in Level 1 and 2 of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Erica Djossa
Erica Djossa
PMH-C | Founder of Momwell
Erica is the founder of Momwell, providing educational resources and virtual therapy for moms. She is a mom of three boys and a registered psychotherapist. Erica’s work has been featured in the Toronto Star, Breakfast Television, Scary Mommy, Medium, Pop Sugar, and Romper. how they want it.
RELATED ARTICLES
October 28, 2024
October 23, 2024
From the Vault: Setting Boundaries with In-laws and Family Members
E:
248
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
October 15, 2024
September 11, 2024
Navigating Stress and Relationship Conflict as Parents: How to Work as a Team After Having Kids
E:
242
with
Liz Earnshaw
Family and Marriage Therapist
August 6, 2024
June 19, 2024
Navigating Culture and Mental Health in Motherhood: Traditions, Boundaries, and Carving Out Your Own Path
E:
230
with
Sahaj Kaur Kohli
Founder of Brown Girl Therapy and Author
August 6, 2024
April 17, 2024
How to Maintain Friendships (and Make Friends) as a Mom
E:
221
with
Danielle Bayard Jackson
Author
July 3, 2024
February 21, 2024
Understanding Postpartum Depression in Dads and Non-Birthing Partners
E:
213
with
Mark Williams
International Advocate for Perinatal Mental Health and Author
July 3, 2024
February 14, 2024
Rekindling Your Sex Life After Baby: Communication Is Key
E:
212
with
Vanessa & Xander Marin
bestselling authors & hosts of the podcast Pillow Talks
February 20, 2024
December 6, 2023
Navigating Different Sex Drives in Parenthood: What Impacts Libido and How to Reconnect
E:
202
with
Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy & Dr. Jennifer Vencill
Licensed Psychologists and Authors
February 20, 2024
November 22, 2023
Erica’s Husband Reflects on Sharing the Invisible Load
E:
200
with
Frenel Djossa
Erica’s Husband & Co-Founder of Momwell
February 20, 2024
November 15, 2023
Breaking Generational Trauma Cycles: Healing Our Past and Moving Forward in Motherhood
E:
199
with
Dr. Mariel Buqué
Psychologist and the author of the book Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma
February 20, 2024
November 1, 2023
Breaking Out of the Default Parent Role: How to Communicate with Your Partner and Change Patterns
E:
197
with
Erin & Stephen Mitchell
Founders of Couples Counseling for Parents
February 20, 2024
October 18, 2023
Rebuilding Connection and Intimacy After Baby: How Family Systems Can Help Us Navigate Relationship Challenges
E:
195
with
Aaron Steinberg
Co-Founder of Babyproofing Your Relationship
February 20, 2024
September 27, 2023
Understanding Overfunctioning in Relationships: How to Change Dynamics After Baby
E:
192
with
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Expert
February 20, 2024
August 2, 2023
Establishing Family Values: How to Identify What Matters and Avoid Comparison
E:
184
with
Mell & Joe Hashey
Founders of Strong Family Co.
February 20, 2024
July 26, 2023
The Journey of a Bereaved Parent: Stefania Thomson’s Story of Navigating Grief and Loss
E:
183
with
Stefania Thomson
Bereavement and Grief Advocate
February 20, 2024
April 26, 2023
Working Through Conflict About Growing Your Family: What to Do When Only One Partner Wants Another Baby
E:
170
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
March 15, 2023
Real Self-Care for Moms: Why Mindset Matters More Than Massages
E:
164
with
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Psychiatrist
February 20, 2024
January 18, 2023
Resolving Conflict in Your Relationship After Baby
E:
156
with
Sheina Schochet
Mental Health Counselor
February 20, 2024
January 4, 2023
Reestablishing Sex After Baby: Why Communication Matters and How to Create a New Normal
E:
154
with
Travis Goodman
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
December 28, 2022
Coping During Postpartum with No Family Support: When Reality Clashes with Expectations
E:
153
with
Emmalee Bierly and Jennifer Chaiken
Founders of ShrinkChicks
February 20, 2024
November 2, 2022
How To Deal With Toxic Positivity As a Mom: What To Do When Someone Invalidates Your Feelings
E:
145
with
Whitney Goodman
Marriage and Family Therapist
February 20, 2024
September 14, 2022
Dividing Labour Fairly in the Home: Redistributing the Mental Load of Motherhood
E:
138
with
Dr. Darcy Lockman
Author and Psychologist
February 20, 2024
December 8, 2021
Learning to Fight Fair
E:
98
with
Elizabeth Earnshaw
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
October 21, 2024
November 3, 2021
Setting Boundaries With In-Laws and Family Members
E:
93
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
February 20, 2024
October 27, 2021
Co-Parenting and Blending Families
E:
92
with
Abbey Williams
Therapist
February 20, 2024
October 20, 2021
Social Justice Parenting
E:
91
with
Dr. Traci Baxley
Author
February 20, 2024
September 15, 2021
Babyproofing Our Relationships
E:
86
with
Kameela Osman
Social Worker and Psychotherapist
February 20, 2024
July 14, 2021
Modeling Consent in Parenthood
E:
77
with
Jess VanderWier
Psychotherapist
February 20, 2024
June 30, 2021
Sex As a Mother
E:
75
with
Dr. Sara Reardon
Physical Therapist
February 20, 2024
April 28, 2021
A Deeper Look into the Mother Wound
E:
66
with
Bethany Webster
Author
February 20, 2024
April 21, 2021
Making—And Keeping—Mommy Friends
E:
65
with
Dr. Miriam Kirmayer
Clinical Psychologist
February 20, 2024
April 14, 2021
Breaking Cycles And Interdependence
E:
64
with
Sian Crossley
Psychotherapist
February 20, 2024
March 17, 2021
Replay of Navigating Intimacy After Children
E:
60
with
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
Psychologist
February 20, 2024
March 10, 2021
Respectful Parenting as a Team
E:
59
with
Janet Lansbury
Author
February 20, 2024
March 3, 2021
Overcoming Resentment in Our Relationships
E:
58
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
February 20, 2024
February 24, 2021
Understanding the Mother Wound
E:
57
with
Bethany Webster
Author
February 20, 2024
November 25, 2020
Conscious Boundary Setting
E:
47
with
Ashleigh Warner
Family Psychologist
February 20, 2024
September 16, 2020
Celebrating 1 Year - A Look Back at the Top 5 Episodes
E:
42
with
Erica Djossa
Founder of Momwell
February 20, 2024
November 20, 2019
Navigating Intimacy After Children
E:
14
with
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
Psychologist
February 20, 2024
November 27, 2019
Loneliness and Isolation In Motherhood
E:
15
with
Dr. Ashurina Ream
Founder of Psyched Mommy
February 20, 2024
October 30, 2019
Navigating Boundaries in Motherhood
E:
11
with
Nedra Tawwab
Therapist